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off the Record.

BY PAT ROLLER

THERE are those who allege that Paris Hilton isn't the sharpest knife in a solid silver, mother of pearl-inlaid canteen of cutlery, but we're not so sure.

The hotel chain heiress is bringing out another book - but this time she wants her fans to write it.

She's following up her first volume of memoirs, Confessions Of An Heiress, with Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All To Me, which will feature 150 pictures of herself and blank pages of a journal in which she will invite her readers to write their own stories.

The thing is, there are people out there who probably will fork out their cash for the privilege of picking up a crayon and doing her work for her.

Coming next: Paris's latest CD. All the lucky buyers have to do is close their eyes, make up a tune, and hum it to themselves. That'll be 10 dollars, please

THE University of Glamorgan in Pontypridd, Wales, has launched a three-year degree course on the hunt for life on other planets.

Half a dozen people enrolled this week to study astrobiology, the technical term for the search for extra-terrestrial life.

Let's wish them luck - they'll need it. It's hard enough to find intelligent life forms on your average university campus

NEWS reaches us of uproar in court yesterday. Cries of "Shame!", "Disgrace!" and "You have to be joking!" filled the air, and there was an outbreak of fisticuffs in the public gallery as sentence was handed down.

Wattie Rackitt, 103, looked suitably crestfallen as he was led away in handcuffs to begin his five-year sentence, but prosecuting counsel Sir Ivan Toofloggum was jubilant.

"Hopefully," he announced to the waiting reporters, "this was will sound a loud and clear warning across the land. In a civilised society, the rustling of sweetie papers during a party conference simply cannot be tolerated

BILLIE-JO was so proud of Pops. Lots of other girls had to settle for a shotgun wedding

SPARE a thought this morning for idealistic young Japanese MP Taizo Sugimura who, at the age of 26, was unexpectedly elected to parliament two weeks ago. He's just had to issue a tearful, humiliating apology, at the insistence of senior members of his party.

His crime? Publicly expressing astonishment at his pounds 125,000 salary, the first-class train passes, his subsidised apartment and his pounds 5000 telephone allowance.

Mr Sugimura went on television to say that he was "deeply sorry" for his "childish, irresponsible" comments.

His phone has apparently been red-hot these past few days. He confesses, however, to be amazed by the number of British politicians who know the Japanese for "shut up, you damn fool

THAT survey on marital sex prompted two blokes to discuss the state of their marriages in the pub. One told his mate he and his wife had had a serious argument the night before.

"But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked his mate.

" 'Come out from under the bed, you coward
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Sep 30, 2005
Words:512
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