off the Record.

Byline: PAT ROLLER

THE Brits are a curious lot. A mobile phone information line, Any Question Answered - which does exactly what it says on the tin - yesterday listed some of the questions it has been asked regularly since its launch in April.

And apparently we have some strange obsessions. Among the queries the nation has comeup with have been: Q - - Why do men have nipples? A - Because it's not until a foetus is 14 weeks old that hormones decide whether the baby will bemale or female - and nipples are already formed by then.

Q - What is Donald Duck's middle name? A - Fauntleroy.

Q - How many bricks are there in the Tower of London?A - 31 million.

Q - What is Snoop Doggy Dogg's real name? A - Calvin Broadus.

Disappointingly, no mention of the question that has been exercising this column - what was the best thing before sliced bread?

SPINMEISTER Alastair Campbell is now saying he might try to become a Labour MP.Inan interview with the Radio Times he says standing for parliament would be an 'enormous privilege',adding: 'Some days I wonder if I'll ever do anything meaningful and worthwhile again.'

Hang on,we thought,that can't be right.So we went back and checked. And yes,he did use the word 'again'.

SERIAL Best Friend Hugh Grant has his own method of keeping the weight off: 'It helps if you are in love. The pounds just fall off you.' There is a school of thought that says that if that includes being in love with yourself, Mr Grant should weigh about five stones.

IF Hearts defender Steven Pressley really isn't fit for tonight, Berti, you could slip Brian McFadden on - no one would know the difference.

Wait, cancel that ... Pressley's a much better singer.

SO it's farewell then,Sam Mitchell.EastEnders' least convincing tycoon is to marry gangster Andy Hunter,which means she'll meet a violent/sudden death any day now,as is the way with the Albert Square scriptwriting ghouls.

The question is, though:what method of dispatch is left? So far we've had death by canal(Den - though that was later overturned on appeal);by cliff (Barry); fire (Tom);ashtray (Saskia); stabbing (Eddie);shooting (Jack Dalton);being run over by arun over by aDalton);being run over by a blameless driver (Tiffany); sabotaged motor-cycle (Ashley);exploding car (Steve); mercy killing (Ethel),and falling downstairs through slipping on a child's toy (Laura).

Actually,maybe it shouldn't be so hard to find a new storyline - she's so dumb she could fall out of the window while ironing the curtains.

JUST heard about another poor soul in Glasgow who has missed out in the NHS postcode lottery. He only had one number.