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Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

REGULAR Record readers will be aware that today is Good Manners Day. So we should apologise for mentioning it again.

However, since this is a Friday, people may become a little short-tempered as we all lurch towards the long-awaited weekend. So if you want to insult someone, you'd better do it politely.

Here's a quick glossary to help you: Short: vertically challenged Fat: horizontally challenged Ugly: aesthetically challenged Lazy: kinetically challenged Note that an astonishing number of traffic wardens are universally challenged.

There's a whole new vocabulary available to you if you want to describe a colleague's stupidity today.

Try #His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor #He forgot to pay his brain bill #An intellect rivalled only by garden tools #She's missing a few buttons on her remote control #Her sewing machine's out of thread #His belt doesn't go through all the loops #- Be warned: obects in the mirror are not as clever as they appear.

Alternatively, just try: 'There's something I really need to tell you. Please remind me on Monday.'

THE fact that his face is ona million T-shirts is probably enough to send iconic revolutionary Che Guevara spinning in his grave - but imagine how he would have felt after the premiere of new movie The Motorcycle Diaries at the Edinburgh Festival.

The movie,which tells the tale of 'the most famous anti-capitalist in the world' travelling round South America with a pal,opened the film festival on Thursday and was celebrated at a lavish after-party - - sponsored by Diet Coke.Coming next: the remake of Ghandi,sponsored by McDonald's.

SVEN Goran Eriksson has been holding press conferences all week before and after England's game with Ukraine.

Only once, we're told, did he allow the subject matter to stray towards his love rival Mark Palios.

A REPORT in the New Scientist - backed upby findings from the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto and the US National Institute on Alchohol Abuse and Alcoholism - says that three pints of beer in two hours makes you a binge drinker.That means you'll have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.08 percent or above.

Coincidentally, two hours is almost exactly how long it takes to watch

a Scotland game from start to finish, no sneaking off at half-time andno time off for good behaviour. Berti, Berti, Berti, have you considered what you're doing to the nation's health?

WEhave received a chortle of entries for our competition to come up with new collective nouns.First out of the hat: #- Sandra Millar,Wishaw - agasp of smokers,agrasp of lawyers, a gripe of union leaders.

#Colin Livingstone - an exaggeration of journalists,a tantrum of toddlers,a parcel of postmen.

#- Kenny Weir - - a hunger of students,a round of golfers,a hush of librarians,an injection of doctors. Another batch tomorrow.

THE jury in Illinois that Oprah Winfrey was sitting on has reached a verdict, after two hours of deliberations: she looks prettier in real life than she does on the telly. And oh yes, the guy was guilty.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 20, 2004
Words:522
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