Why some brothers only date whites and `others'.
SISTERS, hold on to your Afro puffs--according to The latest trend in dating and mating, some Black men are sidestepping single Black women at an increasing rate, and choosing instead, to court, date and marry White, Hispanic. Asian and "Other" women.But there's no need to preach to the choir. Chances are, you may have witnessed this Black man/non-Black woman phenomenon at the shopping mall, in the grocery store, at the company function, at the movies, at the restaurant, at the basketball game, or even in the pews. You can't escape it even in your own home, where you see an endless display of the White, Asian, Hispanic or multicultural woman positioned as the Black man's object of desire in movies, commercials, sitcoms and music videos.
The numbers tell the tale: According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1994, there were 296,000 Black-White married couples, and 78,000 Black/other-than-White couples: in 1997 (latest data available) there were 311,000 Black-White married couples and, of those, 201,000 were comprised of a Black husband and White wife. Data is no longer kept on Black/other-than-White couplings, yet some estimate that today nearly 12 percent of married Black men have mates of another race.
Some say seeing a Brother with a non-Black woman at his side is common in major cities such as St. Paul-Minneapolis, or Des Moines, Iowa, where interracial couples have long thrived. But a sharp increase in the number of Black man/non-Black woman relationships has become just as common in Black metropolises around the country, in major cities such as Atlanta, New York, Detroit and Chicago.
Conventional wisdom attributes the increase in cross-racial relationships to various factors, including the breakdown of school and residential segregation and the 1967 overthrow of the last laws barring intermarriage in the states.
Michael Baisden, author of God's Gift to Women, says there are some problematic reasons as to why some Brothers are looking for love outside the 'hood.
According to Baisden, the physical qualities some Brothers are looking for--long hair, light eves, pale or caramel skin tone--describe women of Asian, Hispanic or multiracial descent, who are, some say, the new "flavors of the month" for S-O-M-E Black men.
Almost all women, and more than a few relationship experts, say these arguments are rationalizations for the real reason. Nor are they overwhelmed by the long hair, "White" features argument, saying among other things, that in the age of the great weave, long hair is a buyable option and that the Sister-image of soft features, luscious lips, and braided hair is the hottest thing going on the fashion scene. After all, they add, White women are shooting up, puffing up and padding up to get the lips and behinds that are standard features in the Sister model. It should also be noted that the Sister is in increasing demand and that a substantial part of the increase in Black-White relationships involve Black women and White men. This, incidentally, is a strong argument for the notion that Brothers and Sisters need to come on back home and compare notes.
Chicago-area construction worker Malcolm Woodhouse, 40, says he prefers to date exotic women because "they are more sensual" and he travels to Brazil several times a year because "the women cater to the man, and they are nicer."
What about the sweetness and light argument? A cosmopolitan Brother who has dated almost every color and creed says there is some truth in this, but that it is not the whole truth or even the most important truth. Sisters are not Barbie Dolls; nor should anyone expect them to be. They are strong in general--they had to be--but they come in different strengths and flavors, and everybody who knows anything about the subject--great Black poets, great Black blues singers, great Black Preachers--says you have to bring sweetness to get sweetness.
What then is the problem? Many experts say the answer is increasing contact across color lines and a strange revival of the forbidden fruit syndrome.
Suddenly, just when the Black woman has grown accustomed to seeing the pick of the litter--Black architects, athletes, television personalities, supreme court justices, and so on--with the blonde bombshell at his side, she now has to face the new reality of red, tan, yellow and brown competitors.
This new reality is leading some Sister-girls to ask themselves on those lonely Saturday nights, "What's really going on in the minds of some Brothers?"
"There is a lot of interracial dating here in Los Angeles, and for me, the pickings are really slim because my competition is Black women, White women, Asian women, Puerto Rican women, you name it," says Shante, a 29-year-old publicist, who is drop-dead gorgeous by any standard, yet "perpetually dateless."
Shante has flawless ebony skin, a neat short-cropped Afro, full lips, a well-defined waistline, and long, shapely legs. Yet, Shante says she's virtually invisible to the Black men on the L.A. dating scene.
"Generally, we brown-skinned and darker-skinned girls get passed over for the more exotic types," she says. "So every time I turn around and I see a fine Brother dating outside his race, I just feel disgusted. I feel like, what's wrong with us? Why do you choose her over me?"
Unfortunately, throughout history, many Sisters on the richer end of the color spectrum have expressed this very sentiment far too many times to count. But as troubling as it is to witness a single Sister sitting all alone in a coffee shop while a Brother is ogling his non-Black sweetheart just a table away, it's even more troubling to hear the reasons why some Brothers are routinely snubbing Black women.
The oft-cited "reasons" behind the snobbery are nothing nice, and include allegations that the Black woman is attitudinal, selfish, lazy and sexually uptight, notes Connecticut-area author Carmen Ham in her book, Black Men, White Women: The Interviews.
Some sociologists explain that the boom in Black man/and Asian, Latin or multiethnic woman couplings is most likely the result of the newfound pride in multiculturalism, which has, in turn, designated the exotic-looking female as the new standard of beauty. (By the way, Jennifer Lopez has been voted the sexiest woman in the world for two years in a row by some mainstream media.)
Other experts say the increase in interracial dating can be attributed to an overall lax attitude Blacks have about dating and mating across racial lines.
Alvin Poussaint, M.D., an advisory board member for the Harvard School Center for Health Communication, has said, "Some of the negative attitudes that surround interracial coupling have been lifted considerably ... you also see an easing of a kind of Black-consciousness mentality. There is not the same kind of pressure on Blacks who are thinking about dating or marrying interracially."
To make things even more complicated, some Sisters appear to be giving the green light or at least the yellow light of indifference to Brothers dating outside the race. California psychologist Rosie Milligan, author of Why Black Men Choose White Women, found that in some cases, Black women themselves play a significant role by unwittingly spreading negative ideas about other Black women in front of their male children.
"A Black man just wants a good woman who looks good to him. Black women should love themselves, go to the gym, and learn to be happy alone," Baisden says. "Black men know that once a Black woman lets down her defenses and loves you, we can't imagine any other woman giving more than she does. Believe me, we know this. Sisters shouldn't be at all concerned about being passed over for the time being. You need to have some faith and know that when it is your time, your Black man will come."
Some Brothers find out the grass isn't always greener on the other side and they come running back to Black women, explains Dr. Joyce Berry, a psychologist in private practice who has offices in Washington, D.C., and Maryland.
"Having a similarity in background and culture is an important factor in a relationship because it creates harmony and comfort because the two people can communicate more freely," Dr. Berry explains. "I once treated a Black man who was in a relationship with a White woman and he told of the difficulty in communication; how she didn't understand our colloquial expressions or some of the dramatic phrases that we have. He was frustrated because he had to explain everything. This man later went back to establish a relationship with a Black female and later reported that it was very comfortable, and having had that experience helped him to appreciate his Sisters more."
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| Author: | Hughes, Zondra |
|---|---|
| Publication: | Ebony |
| Geographic Code: | 1USA |
| Date: | Jan 1, 2003 |
| Words: | 1448 |
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