The Scurra.

AN entertaining row is brewing between lager-loving backbencher Martyn Jones and the Mail On Sunday, which stupidly accused him of using taxpayers' money to employ a relative - Betsygate style - in his Commons office.

Yes, the Labour MP for Clwyd South has a researcher called Steve Jones. But the two men are not related.

Jones The MP tells me: "We just happen to share the same surname, which is not surprising as we both hail from North Wales. The chances of me employing someone from Wales called 'Jones' are extremely high. There are 17 pages of 'Joneses' in the Wrexham phone book alone.

"In order to sort out the dilemma, I have asked Steve to change his surname to Duncan Smith. Hopefully, this will end the confusion and add some comedy value."

Jones The Researcher adds: "I know I couldn't be Martyn's son. He's 56 and I'm 46."

WHILE Tony Blair keeps his health in check, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder is still enjoying alcohol.

He left a meeting of the EU council in Brussels the other night saying he had to get home.

However, a Scurra spy spotted Schroeder in the city's Irish pub, Kitty O'Shea's, where he was rinsing his tonsils with lager as the politicians endured a boring meeting.

MICHAEL Parkinson still grumbles about how he was attacked by Rod Hull's puppet Emu, but he should spare a thought for comedian and scriptwriter Barry Cryer.

Cryer recalls walking into a room where Hull was sitting all alone reading a newspaper with Emu on his arm reading it too.

"Rod actually introduced me to Emu, even though there was no one else there," says Cryer.

"Emu suddenly grabbed my throat and it really hurt. Rod was shouting, 'It's Barry, he's our friend, get off!' You knew it was Rod's arm, of course - but that thing had a life of its own."

A NEW book is coming out called The Lies Of George W Bush - Mastering The Politics Of Deception. Author David Corn didn't realise just how much material there was and, after handing in his 300-page manuscript, he sighs: "If I had known there would be so many lies I don't think I would have taken on this project."

HAVING a famous parent can be confusing for the kids. Pamela Anderson says: "My son came up to me the other day and said, 'Are you Pamela Anderson?'"

She says she told him: "Yes, but don't ever call me that again. I'm Mommy to you."

Not totally happy with the reply, the little lad said: "All the kids over there just said you're Pamela Anderson."

She says: "He started singing, 'You're Pamela Anderson, You're Pamela Anderson', like it's a bad word or a bad thing."

THE Tory Party magazine, Heartlands, provides a glimpse into chairman Theresa May's office. It says: "There are shoes on her windowsills, shoes on her walls, paperweights made of shoes and cushions to match her leopard-print kitten heels." How long before she gets the boot?

THOUGHT for the day (from Scurra reader Keith Wing): Is Herb Alpert the thinking woman's trumpet?

CAPTION(S):

>CLONES: Jones; MUM: Pam