One.
Did you feel like a family when it was just you and Julie?"Yeah, I regarded that as a family home was with her. And it really is now When you have two kids, home has a certain smell and sound and feel. There are toys everywhere."
How did you know that you were ready to have kids?
"You don't know. You can baby-sit your friends' kids, but until you have your own, you have no idea....You don't have kids because you want to wake up at 6 in the morning, every morning. You' just don't know."
You grew up in a culture that didn't value sharing your feelings. You've made a decision to do things differently with your own kids, but how does that happen?
"Well, in California, we have Therapy. [Melissa leans forward and grins.] Lots of therapy....You just learn how to speak about things. You unlearn the habits of: 'I'm not going to say what I feel, but I'm hoping they'll guess, and if they don't guess, then I'll be disappointed.' It gets very complicated, and you have to go just layer by layer until you get to 'I really wish that you'd do this for me,' You just know that all you can do is say it, 'and then they have a choice whether they'll do it or nor.
"To acknowledge my daughter's anger or sadness or jealousy or happiness-just acknowledge it, and let her know that she can talk about it, or not...and when Julie and I are having a--if we're talking hard, we say: 'I know it's uncomfortable, Bailey, but your mom and I need to talk about this.' And we will work it out and we let the kids know that it gets resolved. No hiking it:"
So, how many years does it take to get there?
"I'd say I've been in therapy 15 years. I mean, on and off."
Who's your extended family?
"The people were going to spend Christmas with are, two friends that live here in New York City-another couple. Lesbians. Then we have a straight couple in L.A. who are our best friends They have two children and our children and their children are like brothers and sisters they're so close Their youngest is three days apart from Bailey Julie was taking a pregnancy yoga class and met her [the woman] and they just became. fast friends, and so, for three years, they've just been inseparable. We call Bailey and the. other child "the twins.
"So, that is the core family It kind of goes out from there. I have my family. My mother's in Arkansas and I ye got my sister. And Julie has her mom and dad in Oklahoma, and her sister in Texas."
How often do the grandparents get to see the kids?
"Grandparents insist on coming out every couple of months. And when Pm on the road, they'll come come out and help Julie."
So, you know the lesbian tradition of having exes in your extended family...?
"Good lord, we've been together now for 11 years. The exes are long 'gone'. Julie's ex-husband isn't us. And my ex...naw, I mean, I was never a real good one to keep up the friendship. So I guess we're not your typical lesbians.
When you're at home in L.A., is it possible to go to Blockbuster for a movie or do those normal kind of things?
"Absolutely. I insist on being a person. We go to Soup Plantation. We go to the park. We go rent movies-we do what you do. I choose not to go to the grocery store, but it's just, because I don't want to go to the grocery store. Who wouldn't? So I hire somebody.
Los Angeles is an easy place to do it, but really, it'sall how you present yourself. You can choose to make it insane. You can choose how to dress, and have your bodyguard... I mean, I'll dress like this [motions to her jeans and T-shirt) and go to the store. And I'll be like, 'Oh, Melissa Etheridge, I really like your music." And I'l be like: 'Oh, thank you very much.' But that's all that happens."
OK, now for the really silly question.
"OK."
Everyone wants, me to ask you: "What's going on with your hair these days?"
[Laughs, and runs her fingers through her short, blonde hair, which is still wet at the" ends.] "'Well 'this' morning I didn't blow-dry it, because Beckett was asleep in the room where the bathroom is. So I sort of have this shaggy dog thing going on."
I think people are noticing a more feminine look these days.
"Wow, really? I think its kind of butch to have short, wild, wacky hair My hair has always been kind of wild I really have limited patience. for doing it. The roots get down to here [holds her hand at eye level] and I'm m, like OK I guess I'll color my hair Julie has to say, I think you should cur your hair."
I'm sure you get pressure sometimes to project a particular image.
"You know, I've never been pressured''. about my image. Never, ever', 'ever. . The people. who have' worked with me have a1way seen me for what I am 'And they ye. known that I'm not the type 'of artist they can put in certain clothes or create an image.. Everything you see-every piece of clothing in every' photo shoot, every hairstyle-comes from me....Some of the new' photos just coming out are very well people will say, 'You're pretty. You're very pretty.'"
And how does that feel?
"Wasn't I pretty before? The light was a little golden, but, I mean I don't know what people's image of me is.
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| Title Annotation: | interview with musician Melissa Etheridge |
|---|---|
| Publication: | Curve |
| Article Type: | Interview |
| Date: | Dec 1, 1999 |
| Words: | 965 |
| Previous Article: | rock. |
| Next Article: | SEXUAL HEALING. |
| Topics: | |