Hello, this is Jim Kerr..F Off.
Ex explodesJIM Kerr fired off a volley of four-letter abuse when I caught him enjoying a secret reunion with his missus Patsy Kensit.
The couple announced they were separating two weeks ago - as their four- year marriage had become a no-sex sham. Patsy, 27, now with Oasis singer Liam Gallagher, said: "We basically stopped fancying each other." But yesterday I found them enjoying a soiree at their home in upmarket St John's Wood, London.
Blonde Patsy was first to respond when I buzzed on their intercom, and she chatted happily about a recent dinner date with sacked Take That star Robbie Williams.
She's been spotted with a string of admirers in recent months, including soccer stars Ryan Giggs and Ian Walker.
Snarling
Despite that, she said, there's nothing going on between her and Robbie: "Someone's got their wires crossed. Robbie is going out with one of my best girlfriends, Jacqui Hamilton-Smith..."
But before Patsy could finish, her estranged hubby snatched the intercom.
"Hello, this is Jim Kerr," the Simple Minds singer said, politely enough.
But when the fiery Scot discovered who was outside, he snarled: "Get the f*** away from my door and get yourself a real job."
His remarks obviously disturbed Patsy who continued our conversation from round the door.
"The whole family is here at the moment," she told me before adding: "But no one's back together with anyone."
Just as well. Having sampled Jim's temper at first hand, Patsy, I'd say you're better off without him.
PAULA DOESN'T FIGURE
THERE'S nothing like a christening for bringing people together. Or keeping them apart.
Pat Savage, accountant to Paula Yates and Bob Geldof, became a proud father last week.
"I'm an old man and absolutely delighted at becoming a daddy for the first time," says forty-something Pat.
Now he must decide which of his famous clients will wet the baby's head. "Bob will be the Godfather," he tells me.
Sadly there was no mention of any similar honour for Mr Geldof's estranged wife.
"I FIND it hard to believe women fall at my feet.
"Look at me - I'm a bald, 31-year-old from Essex."
Thuggish EastEnder Ross Kemp
STARR OUT OF ORBIT
I FEAR for the sanity of my old chum Freddie Starr following a strange telephone conversation we had last night.
I asked Freddie, 52, whether it was true his girlfriend Trudy was pregnant. But the comedian could not stop babbling about his row with a Spanish estate agency over his holiday villa.
Me: "Hello, Freddie. Congratulations. I hear Trudy is having a baby."
Freddie: "I'm having a baby. Yes, right. I'm having a baby."
Me: "Very funny, Freddie."
Freddie: "I was having a baby over this row with the house and the pounds 26,000. You know, the property row I'm having."
Me: "What?"
Freddie: "The stress has made me have a baby. Honest."
Me: "Ha, ha."
Freddie: "They say you cannot trust estate agents in Spain. It's just not right, mate.
"And another thing. I don't do goose-steps. The Germans do goose-steps. They invented them, didn't they?
Maybe they did, but by the time I put down the phone, I was none the wiser about the baby.
SINUS OF THE TIMES
I WISH Danniella Westbrook a speedy recovery from what seems to be a nasty head cold. When plugging her life story on TV last weekend, she appeared to have a heavy case of sinusitis.
What a terrible blow to the EastEnders actress after she struggled so hard to beat her pounds 100,000 cocaine habit.
PHILLIP Schofield is to present a TV programme of mysteries and coincidences. He's to front One In A Million as part of his pounds 1.5 million deal with ITV. If it is a hit, telly bosses will approve a 12-part series.
"I AM one of those people - if you spend too much time with me you find yourself going bananas.
"A little bit of me goes a long, long way."
Fruity Lottery host Dale Winton
PHIL ALPS OUT
ROCK star Phil Collins says he is quitting Britain for Switzerland.
The singer claims he was hounded out of the UK after he split from his wife Jill.
Phil, who now shares a modest cottage in Switzerland with his girlfriend Orianne, said he had no private life.
"Whatever the future holds it will be here," he said after a memorial concert in Geneva. "I have no home now apart from my Swiss home.
"I have been accepted over here by everyone and, although Orianne is half my age, we have a loving, mature relationship."
Phil, 45 tomorrow, was speaking after his first public singing date in two years - a tribute to Orianne's dad, who died of cancer. The gig raised pounds 300,000.
Virgin on hate
MADONNA (top) might look like political legend Eva Peron (inset) but she sure isn't adored like the Argentinian heroine.
Millions of Argentines have been protesting about the sex-mad, blasphemous singer of Like A Virgin landing the lead role in a film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, Evita. They've dubbed Madonna "Satan in drag" - something I've suspected for a while.
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| Author: | Wright, Matthew |
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| Publication: | The Mirror (London, England) |
| Date: | Jan 29, 1996 |
| Words: | 855 |
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