M2: EATING OUT : HO, HO... NO; THE VICTORIAN RESTAURANT, Birmingham Victorian Restaurant lacks Christmas spirit.
CHRISTMAS comes but once a year - although the marketing campaign lasts at least another 344 days.But being a snivelling, sad-sack Scrooge, I usually manage to say "No, no, no" to all of Santa's "Ho, ho, ho."
In fact I'd prefer it if the whole sucky season got well and truly stuffed - just like the turkey.
Unfortunately, I seem to be the only person willing to bark: "Bah, humbug!" At least Birmingham's Victorian Restaurant has an excuse for getting frisky with the winter festivities, and putting on a special Christmas Fayre Menu for pounds 15.95.
After all, it was the Victorians who invented the modern Christmas celebration.
The era saw the introduction of cards and crackers, while Victorian author, Charles Dickens, gave the holiday its slushy, sentimental heart with his Christmas books.
Getting time off work on the 25th of December also started during this period.
But let's admit it, what Christmas is really about is food.
(As well as some religious thingummyjig, apparently. Although that may just be a vicious rumour.) And food was what I had come to the Victorian Restaurant to munch.
I started with patA, which came with a hefty helping of melba toast and red onion marmalade.
My dollop of patA was more of a patio - the succulent slab was almost as big as your average back garden.
There was also plenty of brittle melba toast to smear it onMy main course was turkey, served with creamed and roast potatoes, stuffing, chipolata sausage and vegetables.
Unfortunately - when it comes to the traditional English Christmas - turkey isn't the genuine article. It's actually an American export.
The Victorians preferred goose or rabbit. After seeing my slimy slivers of turkey washed up in watery gravy, I decided that so did I.
Meanwhile, the vegetables were straight from the tin and about as welcome as Alex Ferguson on a Samaritans telephone helpline.
And just like every other disappointing thing in life, there was plenty of them.
No wonder Santa Claus is so podgy, if he's constantly eating this sort of stuff.
Being slightly Santa shaped myself, I found that I still had room for a helping of Christmas pudding with brandy sauce. The pud was heavy and soggy, like Vanessa Feltz in the shower.
The brandy sauce was nothing like Vanessa Feltz in the shower.
It was much more like brandy sauce. The Victorian Restaurant serves plain food, without a hint of glamour. However, the helpings are as generous as a drunken millionaire.
After massacring such a meal, I realised there would be no chance of me squeezing through any more chimneys.
Not even an extra large one at the local nuclear power plant.
I guess Santa can keep his job for at least one more year.
Total bill (including drinks, plus tip): pounds 20. lThe Victorian Restaurant, 16 Great Western Arcade, Birmingham (0121 236 8312
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TWEE: the inside of the Victorian Restaurant in the Great Western Arcade in Birmingham
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| Title Annotation: | Features |
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| Publication: | Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England) |
| Date: | Dec 18, 2005 |
| Words: | 494 |
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| Next Article: | M2: EATING OUT : Home is where the hearth is this Christmas; THE GARDEN HOUSE, Edgbaston, Birmingham. |