Today's TV.

Byline: JANE SIMON

SOAP UPDATE

EMMERDALE ITV, 7pm

Zak is chuffed to find out about Cain and Moira's engagement, but James is completely the opposite. Is "unchuffed" a word? It should be.

The temptation to brag to Cain about his history with Moira must be killing him. He might have missed the boat where Bernice is concerned too. The new man off the internet is quite a catch. "I'm the kind of woman that men obsess over," Bernice explains, helpfully.

EASTENDERS BBC1, 7.30pm

Max and Kat join forces tonight and come up with a sneaky plan to try to find Stacey.

Back in Walford, Ian and Billy are rattled to get visits from Janine's solicitor, Shelley. Janine's selling all her businesses and, coupled with other bad news, Albert Square risks becoming a ghost town. It'll soon be every man - and woman - for themselves.

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DRAMA

HOLBY CITY BBC1, 8pm

The scriptwriters must really have it in for poor Serena Campbell, who has to perform another rectal exam tonight - her second in just two months. You wouldn't think that not so long ago she was Holby's acting CEO, would you?

All the drama this week is over baby Emma's christening and whether or not Jac will turn up on time like a dutiful mother or whether she will decide to help Elliot perform surgery on an exciting and rare heart condition instead. Anybody who is in any doubt about the answer to that question really hasn't been paying much attention.

Meanwhile, Harry Tressler is jealous when he sees new boy Raf being photographed for a medical journal and decides that he needs to specialise in something - anything - if he's got any hope of being taken seriously. The hunt is on to find a branch of surgery Harry can fake some enthusiasm for.

Whatever he finds, you can guarantee it won't be rectal exams.

Scotland, 10.35pm

SITCOM

PARKS AND RECREATION BBC4, 10.30pm & 10.50pm

After months of government shut-down, perky council worker Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) is delighted to round up her colleagues for the start of a new series and get back to work.

There's still no money to actually do anything but Leslie is convinced that sending Ann on a date with finance guy Chris (Rob Lowe) might persuade him to loosen the purse strings.

We don't know what they're putting in the water in Pawnee, Indiana, but Chris is even more upbeat and positive than Leslie, which means that in the second episode of this double bill, not even a flu virus can keep either of them down for long.

MYSTERY

DEATH IN PARADISE BBC1, 9pm

There's something wonderfully inappropriate about the way Death in Paradise's jolly theme tune strikes up each week just after the first victim has kicked the bucket.

I don't know if there are any lyrics to go with this music but if there are, they'd probably go something like: "Somebody's been killed, tra-la-la-la..."

Our dead body this week is Saint Marie's commerce minister, who's apparently topped himself just as his affair with an intern is about to become headline news.

Except it's not suicide, of course, but another big fat juicy mystery for DI Humphrey Goodman (Kris Marshall) to get his teeth into. His new resolution to keep his desk tidy might help him solve this latest live action version of Cluedo even quicker. But one messy complication he's not expecting is the arrival of Camille's estranged dad Marlon (guest star Clarke Peters) on the island.

Devil in disguise

200 NIPS & TUCKS AND I WANT MORE C5, 9pm

Pick the day

DIABLO Delenfer (formerly Gavin Paslow) from Kent says: "I'm not satanic at all. This is just a fun thing." Thanks for clearing that up, Diablo, because his definition of "fun" means having Teflon domes inserted into his forehead to look like horns, his tongue forked ("that was interesting"), his teeth filed into fangs, facial tattoos and - brace yourselves - having the whites of his eyes tattooed so that they are permanently red.

In the closing stages of this documentary you can also see Diablo having spikes screwed into of his head to give him a permanent metal Mohawk. Do write in and tell me how that turned out because by this stage I had my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

Compared to Diablo, women like Carolyn, who has spent 14 years turning herself into Liverpool's answer to Pamela Anderson (or just another blonde with a boob job, if we're being completely honest) don't even come close.

Nor does Monique Allen from California, despite undergoing more than 200 surgeries - half of them performed by unregulated doctors - and having a mouth like two hamburger buns. Or Orit Fox, an Israeli model who became a YouTube sensation after footage of a snake biting her on the breast went viral.

The rumour that the snake died of silicon poisoning was, like Orit, blown up out of all proportion.

CAPTION(S):

TOP DOC Former boss Serena

CHIPPER Local council worker Leslie

ARRIVAL Camille's dad Marlon is in town

RED-EYE But Diablo Delenfer says it's all fun

Article Details

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Title Annotation:	Features; Opinion, Column
Publication:	The Mirror (London, England)
Date:	Feb 11, 2014
Words:	888
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