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off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

IT'S great that the Daleks can now fly and will no longer be foiled by a flight of stairs. Now, please, can Hollywood's writers get their heads together and solve a few other fatal flaws that have been bugging us for a while. For a start: #Couldn't those Martians in War of the Worlds be given flu jabs?

# Could the Wicked Witch of the West carry an umbrella? #Could Jabba the Hut join WeightWatchers?

# Couldn't Dracula wear sunglasses?

And while we're at it - get ET's mum to fit him with reins so that he doesn't wander off again.

A FOOTBALLER'S life is, indeed, a glamorous one. The stars of East Stirlingshire FC (Scottish League Div 3, P11, W0 D2 L9) were training at a public park near Falkirk - the exact location is a secret for fear of tipping off the groupies - one foul night this week.

Since there are no floodlights, the players have to park their cars alongside the pitch and leave the headlights on so that, unlike match days, they don't trip over each other.

After the gruelling session,manager Dennis Newall called the players together. 'Don't worry lads, I've got a plan,' he said. 'It'll be much better next week.' After an expectant hush he added: 'We'll bring more cars.'

NIGELLA LAWSON caused a storm yesterday, after remarking at a Glasgow book-signing session that we should all tuck into her desserts because 'it helps to be greedy sometimes'. She's been accused of trifling with the nation's health.

SCIENTISTS have discovered that stress can disrupt short-term memory. Researchers at Yale Medical School in America found that emotional states affect the levels of a brain enzyme which deals with the storage and use of information. Finally - those Crossroads performances explained.

CHRIS EVANS has put in a pounds 4.5m bid for his favourite North London boozer. You never know, in a couple of years he might even open it to the public.

SEPARATED at birth: Anne Robinson and Paul O'Grady. One makes a nice living pretending to be a member of the opposite sex. We'll leave you to guess which one.

POLICE in Bulgaria have arrested a student after he was spotted carrying a forged passport and credit card in the name of Bill Gates. The 22-year-old, arrested as part of an international fraud investigation, has not helped his case by failing to put up bail of five billion dollars.

THE two Taiwanese MPs who threw food at each other in a heated debate have just been named. They're Hoo Flung Wot and Wan Lang Chuk.

thesillyhalloweenjoke

A MAN went to his neighbour's Halloween fancy dress party wearing nothing but a smile and with a young, naked woman on his back. 'So what the heck are you supposed to be?'

the neighbour asked.

'I'm a snail,' the man replied. 'That's pathetic,' said the neighbour. 'What's that girl doing on your back?'

'That's Michelle,' said the man.

E-mail: offtherecord@dailyrecord.co.uk
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Oct 30, 2004
Words:496
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