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ANOTHER sure sign that winter is approaching - aside from the weather and the fact that Easter eggs are due in the shops any time now - is that today is the start of the American Football season.

TheUS sporting system is famous for breeding the world's dumbest college graduates - yes, you can get a degree in barging into people, which is what American Football is mostly about - and the NFL seems to throw upmore than its share of lummoxes. Consider these shafts of wisdom from some of the sport's finest: # 'The greatest thing just happened to me. I just got indicted into the Florida Sports Hall of Fame.They had a standing observation for me.' - Florida State coach Bill Peterson # 'He treats us like men.He lets us wear earrings.'-Torrin Polk, University of Houston player, on his coach, John Jenkins # 'It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids.' - Indianapolis Colts coach Ron Meyer # 'The shoulder surgery was a success.The lobotomy failed.' - Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka on quarterback Jim McMahon's surgery.

That last one could have come straight from the lips of Gordon Strachan.

PLUMMY Channel4 presenters Phil Spencer, left, and Kirsty Allsopp are publishing an 'aspirational, classy and colourful' guide, How To Buy A House. Having watched their TV series we can probably fill in the blanks for you:1)Get paid a ridiculous salary for doinga crap job like quantity surveying;2) be impossibly smug about having lots of spare cash because you're lucky enough to have a house in the south-east;3) turn up your noses at houses most people would give their eye-teeth for; 4) get a TV company to get two middle-class yahs to bully sellers into lowering their prices for you;5) er,that's it.

OUT of the mouths of babes. An infant teacher in the West End of Glasgow was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to collect the building materials for his home. She read: 'And so the pig wentup to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'.'

The teacher paused, then asked the class: 'And whatdo you think that man said?'

Onewee lad raised his hand and said: 'I think he said 'Holy sh*t! A talking pig'.'

ANOTHER Picture That Needs No Caption: this one was sent in by reader William Love.

THE news this week that two-thirds of British species of moth are in decline owing to climate change prompted Megan Cameron to email us with the tale of the chap who went into aGP's late-night surgery and said 'Doc,you've got to help me,Ikeep thinking I'm a moth.'

The doctor replied: 'But why have you come to me,you're not a patient here?'

The chap answered: 'I know.It was the light that attracted me.'

MORE proof that TV schedulers have a sense of humour: On ITV1 tonight, after Spend, Spend, Spend comes The Bill.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Sep 9, 2004
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