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off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

WE hope the Beckhams know what they're letting themselves in for. Americans can be sooooo bitchy.

Take this letter to Posh from the editors of magazine US Weekly which they posted on their website, because, they say, they're sick of seeing her nipples:

"There is nothing Posh about forgetting to wear a bra when gallivanting about in thin T-shirts, as you've unfortunately been known to do.

"It is obvious to us that the bra may be a foreign concept to you - much like American football, or the good sense to avoid Tom Cruise - so allow us to explain: you're a 32-year-old woman with perky breasts that apparently like to breathe.

"Keep shunning that bra and in five years you'll end up with pendulums hanging off your clavicle that hubby David Beckham might mistake for soccer ball bags."

Ouch. It's that "soccer ball bags" crack that really hurts.

THE survey in the Record yesterday that said that while the average Briton will walk almost 70,000 miles in their lifetimes, men walk 20 per cent more than women prompted some discussion in this office. Ha! we said, that'll be because it's always the men who have to drag the bin to the pavement, then lug the thing back again. It all mounts up, we said.

But then a female colleague came up with some cheap shot about the extra miles being clocked up wandering up and down the rough looking for waywardly hit golf balls.

Drat. That probably DOES explain it.

AN unidentified Austrian woman has, at the age of 66, given birth to her second child, according to a spokesman for a public hospital in Graz. She had her first when she was 61, and her five-year-old is said to be looking forward to helping out with the nappies, bathtime and bedtime. And helping to look after the baby, too.

WE know it can be galling at times, but you should always try to heed the words of those who are so much older and wiser than you. Which is why Britney Spears might take comfort from the utterings of Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden: "I feel so bad for someone like Britney, who's not allowed to make normal mistakes. I've had plenty of times where I went crazy and did things when I was right around her age."

Incidentally, Joel has just turned 28.Britney will be 26 this year.

WE'RE still gobsmacked by those pictures in the Record yesterday of a 60-year-old Sylvester Stallone playing Rambo once more. We think he must have had a body double. No, make that a treble.

ROWAN ATKINSON, aka Mr Bean, says he laughs out loud maybe "once every five years". General elections affect us that way, too.

E-mail: offtherecord@dailyrecord.co.uk

CAPTION(S):

THE US Postal Service has just announced plans for a set of 15 stamps featuring characters from the Star Wars movies. If the Yoda one you use, the address write funny you will have to.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Mar 30, 2007
Words:502
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