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off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

THE Tom and Katie show continues unabated.

The latest instalment concerns arrangements for their wedding. It's been reported that the mini Cruise plans to marry ideal Holmes in a multi-million dollar Arabian Knights-themed ceremony at a plush venue in Mexico swathed in colourful fabrics and stacked to the rafters with thousands of flowers.

We've heard a rumour that, like most couples, they've held a rehearsal of the ceremony. The key section went something like: Minister: And do you, Tom, take Katie to be your lawful wedded wife?

Tom: Good golly wowee you betcha gosh sir you're darned tootin whoooh whoooh whoooh yeah yeah yeah absooloooooootely yes sirree yes yes yes YEAH!!!!!

Minister: Thank you, Tom. Tell you what, though... it's not absolutely necessary that you jump up on the pews

CONGRATULATIONS to Edinburgh for setting a record with 10,000 bagpipers all blowing at once. The downside is that there now doesn't seem to be a bird within 50 miles of the capital

COMING to a supermarket near you: a coconut you can get into without going through the usual routine of a) meat tenderiser and screwdriver b) hammer and chisel and c) reversing the car over it.

A British importer is bringing over soft-skinned coconuts from Thailand that are harvested while the outer skin is still green and before they have formed a hard shell.

Excellent. Now if any supermarket bosses are listening, next on the wishlist: a grapefruit that doesn't squirt you in the eye; pineapples that come with instructions; potatoes that don't resemble marbles once you've dug out the cruddy bits; and pears that are neither concrete nor mush. Is it too much to ask

MORE science news:the Government is studying research from the Institute for Transport Studies that proposes cars of the future could have their speed controlled by a computer, denying drivers the option of breaking the limit.

Hah, you know what will happen. The computer will crash

ANOTHER exclusive: Darren Day training for the day when jumping out of a bedroom window wrapped in a duvet becomes an Olympic sport

Only In America, part 356: two men attempted to rob a TV presenter in Arkansas - on-screen, live. Viewers of the Shopping Mania Auction Show saw a man walk on set, brandish a gun at presenter Gary Spirito, and demand the keys to his car.

Gary asked viewers to call the police, telling the robbers: "We're doing a live show here and there's probably hundreds of people out there calling the police."

They were, and the men were arrested an hour later. Just think, though: if it had happened on BBC4, the incident would have gone unreported

THE Dutch government have told the country's poultry industry to keep their five million chickens indoors as a precaution against bird flu. No word yet on whether they're also expected to give them Lucozade and grapes and switch the telly to a cartoon channel to stop them getting bored
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Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 23, 2005
Words:496
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