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off the Record.

Byline: BY PAT ROLLER

LET'S hurry back to Never-Never Land. The Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital, which owns the rights to Peter Pan, wants someone to write them a sequel.

They want to take the story into the 21st century in the hope that a new book or film will bring them more royalties. The stipulation is that you have to use the same characters.

Which brings us to a bunch of boys who refuse to grow up - and more than likely end up in politics, much to the annoyance of the Transport Secretary and his wife, Mr and Mrs Darling. Peter, who flies here, there and everywhere winding up all the grown-ups, ends up as Prime Minister, while his wife gets into trouble for paying rather too much attention to design guru Tinkerbell and her efforts to put the Wendy house in order.

So how do the Lost Boys end up in power? Same as politicians everywhere - by Hook or by crook.

IRISH actor Stuart Townsend is like Berti Vogts - - both have starred in some stinkers and are pretty good at putting on a brave face.

Townsend was talking this week about being fired froma certain movie before shooting started and added: 'I'm glad because it left me free to do another big studio movie, Queen of the Damned, which was wonderful to do.' His sacking,by the way,allowed Viggo Mortensen to take over his role - Aragorn in Lordof the Rings . Some of you might have seen it.

SOME more new collective nouns: Tom Aitchison of Annan suggests a snort of Prudential workers and a dive of SPL strikers; Mary S. Miller of Dalkeith is in a world that has a muse of comedians and a bing of miners, while emailer Jim Campbell chips in with a bribe of politicians and a rash of prostitutes.

Special mention, though, goes to D. McKinlay of Glasgow, who contributed a cornucopia of collectives, including a pochle of polis, a mangle of masseurs, a litter of streetsweepers, a mince of hairdressers, a jugful of topless models, a sag of plastic surgeons and a box of undertakers.The standard has been set - new contenders welcome.

PSST...wanna learn about positional play? England football fans seem to have discovered the secret behind their manager's scoring success. Any budding Frank McAvennies out there, the shop's in Newcastle.

AS soon as Tony Blair gets home, John Prescott is off to the Olympics as a reward for all his headline-hogging recently. At least, we think that's the gist of that leaked email that said he's for the high jump.

THESILLYSATURDAYJOKE

A MAN went to the doctor and said: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce growing out of my ear.' The doctor, concerned, asked him to lie on the couch and examined him. After a while, the doctor straightened up, shook his head, and tut-tutted. 'I'm sorry to have to tell you this,' he said, 'but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 21, 2004
Words:496
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