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jackson 5.

INDUSTRIAL INJURY.

1 Best conversational snippet I've overheard in some time? Teen moaning to a mate: "Think I've injured my finger. Been texting way too much this week."

Oh, for the good old days, when youngsters didn't have to fear such hideous injuries, instead living in a paradise of being shoved up chimneys and down mines from the age of five.

Yup, they didn't make Victorian street urchins as hardy as the modern yoof. How would the wimpy urchin have coped with Twitter, I wonder? MAN OF LETTERS.

2 MY brother-in-law, Shimon, is in town. An engineer for a power plant in Israel, he told me that he gets free electricity along with his salary. No manual toothbrushes in Shimon's gaff, then.

After hearing this, I complained to my editor at Sunday Merc Central that there were no such perks in this column-scribbling gig.

So my kind-hearted boss has given me free access to all the letters of the alphabet. Regrettably I'm not allowed to get my feverish mitts on the semicolons, which are locked in a reinforced safe in the ed's office.

In my industry, the semicolon is the prince of punctuation. More valuable than gold dust, and not to be recklessly frittered away like a mere comma or full stop.

JOBS FOR THE BOYS.

3 Most unlikely spectacle of the week? Katie Price screaming at photographers to "get a proper job". Seems as though KP has gone nuts, though she does have a point. Those snappers should go to university and study for something more serious and self-sacrificing.

Perhaps Katie could recommend a reputable further education establishment where they can take a PhD in 'Getting Your Attributes Out For Money'.

GOD LOVES A TRIER.

4 It's official. My son, Ben, is a genius. He has been awarded a certificate from the teachers at his nursery for 'trying to be sensible'. Love that 'trying to be'.

Of course Ben's mummy is immensely proud. I've asked her if she would be equally delighted if I won a prize for 'trying' to be faithful.

Not a word did I receive in reply.

Though the throbbing black eye I'm now sporting is eloquence enough.

TURN OFF GAS.

5 Barack Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for what, precisely? Having a soulful, sonorous voice? Not being George W Bush? The US President has polish, pizzazz and potential, though at present he remains more gasbag than Gandhi. Clearly, the Nobel judges are taking the peace.
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Publication:Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England)
Date:Oct 11, 2009
Words:413
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