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Byline: LORNE JACKSON

TEACHERS continue to fail miserably when it comes to educating kids in the three Rs - reading, writing and 'rithmetic.

However, they're doing much better with the rival Rs.

Robbing, ripping things apart and (underage) rogering.

Now educational big wigs want to start giving courses in happiness.

May be they'll tickle kids with a feather dust - er, or let them go home after lunch.

But I shouldn't mock.

Happiness is hard to find in this mopey modern world. Which is why I'm rewarding you with a few handy pointers, allowing you to grasp a slab of sunshine for yourself.

1 BIG Brother is finished and won't be back - hopefully - for a long, looong time. Now we can all enjoy the best part of the show - watching nonentities fade back into obscurity, their only true home.

2 THE earth wasn't destroyed by last week's scientific experiment to recreate the Big Bang. Then again, if it had sucked us into a black hole, it would have solved our immigration problem. Being dragged into an alternative universe would have made immigrants of us all.

3 AT LEAST you aren't Gordon Brown. (Gordon Brown, if you're reading this, it doesn't actually apply to you. So go straight to number 4.)

4 AT LEAST you're not the dull, baggy-eyed successor to Tony Blair who has screwed-up the economy and should now prepare to be ousted as PM at the next General Election. (Ha. Ha. Sorry about that Gord. Move along, now. Nothing for you to see here.)

5 YOU can never be truly depressed if you're reading my brill blog each week on the Sunday Mercury's wondrous web site. (sundaymercury.net) I know, I know. That's just like the ugly bloke from The Bash Street Kids becoming a flasher - a shameless plug.

But what the hell.

It's not as if Pearl & Dean are going to quit bigging-up curry houses at my local Odeon, and flap my flag instead.
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mercury (Birmingham, England)
Date:Sep 14, 2008
Words:325
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