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Why erotic telly images like this are your sex life's biggest enemy; In the second part of our exclusive series on the sex lives of Scottish women, we look at how to have a better time in bed.

HER perky silicone boobs glisten with oil. Her hair is a mane of liquid gold.

Her face contorts with pleasure and she honks in ecstasy like a distressed seal.

Welcome to Shannon Tweed, the sex queen of Channel 5. Night after night, the actress entertains the nation with her sexual adventures.

It is bump and grind turned into a perfect formula, with Shannon brought effortlessly to climax after climax in a matter of seconds by a succession of good looking guys.

Trouble is, as far as women are concerned, the whole thing is a sham.

And it's worse than that.

International soft porn like this is damaging women's sex lives and leaving millions frustrated and disappointed in bed.

To be blunt, the real crime of Channel 5's sex movies is that they teach men that wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am is the way to satisfy women.

Shannon Tweed's elaborately faked orgasms are a symbol of everything that is wrong with modern sex.

New research shows clearly that traditional ways of making love don't give the majority of women orgasms.

Bringing up boys to believe that penetrative sex is the only way to 'do it' merely perpetuates the myth.

In reality, all that soft porn does for most women is to make them feel abnormal or inadequate because they can't climax the way Shannon's perfect performances say they should.

As the world-famous sex expert Dr Shere Hite puts it, for centuries women's problems with sex have been considered their fault.

"Our definition of sex is out of date, antiquated. The sexual scenario presented to us, both women and men, is too rigid, repetitive and reproductively focused.

"The definition of sex for the last 2000 years has been a rigid reproductive scenario, with the main event always centred on intercourse. Even in the year 2000, the myth is alive that only coitus (intercourse) is real sex."

And Dr John Bancroft, head of the Kinsey Institute in America, says: "We are still in a culture which has defined sexuality, sexual pleasure and sexual goals in male terms."Then we apply the same pattern to women. And that is a mistake."

Last week, the Sunday Mail revealed how a huge percentage of women are unhappy with their sex lives and how the race was on to find a Viagra-style solution.

But could it be much more simple that that? Could it merely be that if men started to do what really pleases women, rather than do what they think pleases women, we could wipe out female sexual dysfunction without the need for any drugs? Could it be there is acutally no such thing as frigidity, low libido, or sexual dysfunction... but merely a communication problem between the sexes?

Have we Scots, in fact, been doing sex wrong?

Dr Hite's book The New Hite Report, an update to her revolutionary report on female sexuality, makes clear that men need to learn more about the clitoris, the female sexual organ.

From the testimonies of 3000 women, she says the facts are clear.

Almost all women can orgasm easily during clitoral stimulation while only a third have orgasm during intercourse. Her statistics for women in the UK show that without stimulation of the clitoris only 16 per cent of women achieve orgasm - out of 91 per cent who were able to have orgasms with stimulation. Only 17 per cent said their partners were well-informed about their sexual desires and their body.

Asked if the sexual revolution of the last few years was a good thing, almost half said bluntly: "There was no sexual revolution. Men still don't realise what we need."

Another added: "Whoever said orgasm was not important for women was undoubtedly a man."

Dr Hite says in her book: "A great distance remains between how women say they feel sexually and public images of how women experience sexuality.

"Sex videos and internet pornography continue to show women imitating men sexually, acting like male fantasies of women and attempting to have orgasm from the same stimulation men do - intercourse.

"It is not women who have a 'problem' sexually, but society which has had a problem accepting and understanding women's sexuality.

"There is an ongoing gap between men's idea of women and women's reality - and this undercurrent in sex makes emotions even more fragile than they would normally be."

Scots women, it seems, are now keen to enjoy equal rights when it comes to pleasure.

A typical response to Dr Hite was: "When I see my partner having an orgasm, I feel I should enjoy one too." Or: "How would a man feel if he made love and never had an orgasm?"

The pressure on women to fake orgasm during intercourse is so great an enormous number of women fake them - some infrequently, most sometimes, and there are some women who admit they do it all the time. One women said: "I used to fake orgasms all the time, and always with vaginal penetration.

"I came from the school of, it's not right, you'll emasculate the man, if you don't let him think he has satisfied you.

"I did it to save his pride and prevent arguments."

Another said: "Of course I fake it. It's polite. Why be rude?" And one female confided: "I've faked it many, many times. So many guys have no idea what to do with the clitoris and I hate to give an anatomy lecture in the middle of love-making."

Dr Hite is typically forthright: "There is no great mystery about why a woman has an orgasm. It happens with the right stimulation - quickly, pleasurably and reliably. The key is adequate stimulation."

In other words, men have to learn how to do it. And the best way to do that is talk about it and communicate desires.

Complacency and ignorance in the bedroom are the biggest killers of desire.

A recent survey for National Men's Health Week showed that two-thirds of young unmarried men feel under pressure to perform in bed.

However, less than a third of married men feel the need to impress after tying the knot.

Denise Knowles of Relate says: "We need to start blowing the myth that men automatically know how to satisfy a women. Every women is different with different needs, and it's important to discuss and learn from each other.

"Though men may feel less pressure once they're married, it's important that they continue to show interest and put effort into their sex life.

"Complacency often leads to problems in and out of the bedroom."

Senior consultant psychiatrist at Parkhead Hospital, Glasgow, Dr Prem Misra, says he is amazed how often basic hygiene creates a problem in the bedroom.

An astonishing number of men seem unaware of the need to deal with sweaty feet, BO or bad breath.

By comparison with the need to understand the workings of the clitoris, the female sex organ, a daily wash might seem small.

But all need not be gloom in the Scottish sexual psyche.

Dr Hite said: "Scottish women I found were very direct in the way they told their partners how to do things to please them.

"Unlike other women, they haven't given up and said: I'll just enjoy the sensuality of being with him.

"They feel their partners could be more open to hearing what they can do, and I have to say they are having a lot more success in that than in some other countries."

Dr Hite said there was a need for words to help women express their sexual needs better.

"Sex has only two vocabularies - a super-clinical one, which is off- putting; or street language, which is prejudicial and offensive to women."

She added: "I find that Scottish women are very practical and patient.

"They combine traditions like making a family with new ways of relating to men and expressing themselves.

"I'm quite optimistic. I think Scots women realise they don't have to be confrontational or angry to express themselves. They realise it is not a battle of the sexes.

"This is about two people trying to get along, about dialogue.

"Men know that something is not right and they want to get information. But they feel confused by pornography. They can't understand if that is the reality. I think it takes men a few years before they trust their own experience.

"Scots men have a slightly warmer way of communicating than other British men. They are better at starting conversations."

Therein lies the secret of good sex - starting to talk.

The New Hite Report by Dr Shere Hite (Hamlyn, pounds 12.99).

10SIMPLE WAYS TO IMPROVE QUALITY OF YOUR SEX LIFE

1. Improve communication with your partner. Learn to express your likes and dislikes. Learn to say: "It feels good when you do this." Tell him. He's not going to find out any other way.

2. Assist and encourage your partner to communicate. Ask him: "What does it feel like when I do this?" Get him talking. Men find this kind of communicating as difficult, if not more difficult, than women.

3. Encourage your partner's self-esteem. Men's sexual confidence may appear massive but it can in reality be very fragile. Don't criticise him or belittle him. He doesn't like being told he's useless any more than you like it. Try to make positive suggestions.

4. Be happy with your own body. Get fit. Diet a bit. Losing a few pounds can do wonders for the way you approach sex. If you're happy in your own skin, you'll be more uninhibited and better at expressing yourself physically.

5. Respect each other. Be kind. Be on the same side in life. It costs nothing and it can change everything.

6. Only make love to people with whom you are emotionally comfortable. Most women need to trust someone and feel secure, loved and wanted before they can enjoy sex.

7. Don't overwork. Try and be aware of the stress in other parts of your life and how it spills over into the bedroom.

8. Try and avoid any type of conflict. If you have a row or an argument, deal with it. Don't let it come up again and again. Don't end up in arguments of the "Last week you said that to me" variety.

9. Make sure your bedroom is comfortable. The beds should be the best you can afford. Creaky beds, cold rooms and no privacy are a killer for a good sex life.

10. Avoid violent men at all costs. If they can be violent in a non-sexual situation, then they are almost guaranteed to be inconsiderate thugs in the bedroom.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Scottish Daily Record & Sunday
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 2000 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Sunday Mail (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jun 25, 2000
Words:1764
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