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What Price to kick Katie off?


Say what you like about the obsessional self-publicist formerly known as Jordan... but she's a fascinating phenomenon.

Despite increasing evidence to the contrary, the ageing glamour girl remains convinced we're still interested in her.

Which brings us to her latest act of desperation... Channel 5's hilarious on-the-couch special Katie Price: In Therapy.

A navel-gazing session all about Ms P's favourite subject - herself - this oddball production co-starred psychiatrist with a comedy foreign accent Dr Claudia Bernat failing to ask the questions that should be answered.

Is Her Travesty's manic pursuit of men part of a crazed masterplan to stay in the limelight? Did she latch on to blokes just to provide new narratives for her numerous Next Chapter series? Were those garish weddings merely moneymaking enterprises? We ought to have been told. But weren't.

Anyway, she continues to be outlandishly funny. But not in a good way.

Over to narrator Tom Chadbon in important-story-of-our-times mode: "Katie's life in numbers is revealing. Eight boob jobs, thousands of glamour shoots, 10 celebrity boyfriends, three husbands, five kids, five kissand-tell autobiographies, 20 reality shows, hundreds of Twitter spats and more column inches written about her than Kate Middleton." Enough!

How can we persuade her to stop assailing the long-suffering British public with this ludicrous nonsense? A legal agreement perhaps? A binding contract signed by Katie Price.

The poor thing tries so hard I admire her perseverance. To be a lasting national joke you've got to put the hours in.

Obviously, no one takes her seriously. But apart from her coterie of fawning hangers-on, does anyone actually like her? A sort-of human blow-up doll with a joy-killing monotone voice whose rancid relationships were chronicled in the worst TV shows ever seen, Ms Price carries on regardless of widespread apathy and contempt. For that I salute her.

Recalling her unfine romance with current unfaithful squeeze Kieran Hayler, she giggled: "You're gonna laugh at this. From day one of meeting him, five weeks later I was pregnant and married to him." Laugh? I thought I'd never start.

Forgiving Katie hopes her former best friend Jane will die for sleeping with Kieran behind her back. And when her body can no longer churn out babies naturally, she wants yet more by surrogate. The magazines pay big bucks for cute kids.

One of the many boyfriends she paraded in one of her many terrible programmes couldn't even speak English. Nor can she, properly. But he didn't know a single word.

"He looked fit," explained Katie.

And he was prepared to be filmed.

Ditto the absurd cross-dressing cage fighter she swiftly divorced.

When "the Pricey" and her first victim - sorry, husband - Peter Andre had that notorious marriageending argument on screen, it was a rare example of reality TV colliding with reality.

"I thought we'd be together for ever," she insisted. But from the moment she offered him "a blowy" after their strange kinda love was forged on I'm A Celeb, it was doomed. "Perhaps you could divulge less," suggested Dr Bernat, optimistically.

How it must hurt now that the TV industry still wants Pete... but not her. Analyse that, Katie.

Amid torrents of psycho-babble tosh about "triangles", the Doc concluded: "Her relationship with the media is a cause for concern." In the understatements of the century charts... that's straight in at number one.


LUDICROUS Deluded Katie
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Title Annotation:Features; Opinion Column
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Aug 23, 2015
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