We're back in Kansas, Toto.
I do not count myself one of the root-cause, coastal liberal snobs, and maybe that's the way all coastal liberal snobs think. I love performing in Kansas City. It is a town that has enough civic confidence and flexibility to locate itself in two states. I can vouch that New Yorkers would not be so well disposed to an Albany, Massachusetts.
KC used to be the 7-eleven stop on everyone's westward trek. When the kids in the way back of the Conestogas whined, "Are we there yet?" the family would stop in KC to resupply for the rest of the journey.
The gay population, so besieged in Kansas, is vibrant and feisty. After all, Fred Phelps, his family, and their national "Kill Fags Tour" hail from the state capital, Topeka. No one knows whose payroll he is on or where he gets his frequent flier miles. His answer to the question "What's the matter with Kansas?" is, of course, Dorothy.
During a bit of free time before one of my shows, I was roaming around KC, idly wondering why people vote against their own best economic and political interests. That's when I came upon Hallmark headquarters. Founded in 1910, it has grown to be the dominant force in "the personal expression industry--helping people express their feelings and touching the lives of others." It owns Crown Media of "Hallmark Hall of Fame" fame and Crayola and all its colors, which might explain the garishly forced cheeriness of the town. I think I'm onto something. CSI: Kansas City!
It is my wildly undocumented hunch that Hallmark factories have been illegally dumping in the Missouri River, contaminating the ground water and thus infecting the population. If I could afford the forensics experts, I bet they'd find foiled hearts, glitter effluvia, doily fragments, and inordinately high levels of schmaltz in the outflow. And if I could hire those dogged, laid-off weapons of mass destruction searchers, I have a hunch they would find a secret cache of highly suspicious cards in a spider hole on the Hallmark grounds.
Here's a selection:
You never believed That cytoblastphemy When you adopted your egg You just called her "Mimi."
Home School Graduation cards:
You took the test, you did your best. In all the crowd, you did me proud.
Embossed Home School Reunion invitations, come in packs of one or two.
Intelligent Design Cards:
Why roses are red, Or the sky is so blue. Don't worry your head When you haven't a clue.
I think it's God, don't you?
My Hallmark intel people tell me that a new "Over My Dead Body" ("Gays will get married"/"Hillary will be President"/"I'll give up my Uzi") humorous line of cards is in the works. Cards are also planned for "On Your Secondary Virginity," "Your Covenant Marriage Anniversary," "Fatherland Day," "Invitation to a Book Burning," and "Countdown to the Rapture."
Kate "Hot as L!" Clinton is a humorist.
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|Title Annotation:||about Kansas City|
|Date:||Sep 1, 2005|
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