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Waiter, there's a fly in my wasp and cockroach dinner.

Byline: DanO'Neill STRAIGHT TO THE POINT WITH THE KAIRDIFF KID echo.newsdesk@walesonline.co.uk

Bet we've all heard about the old lady who swallowed a fly and thought, blimey, nuts or what, fancy swallowing a fly.

Even nuttier when she swallowed a spider that wriggled and jiggled and tiggled inside 'er.

But she was ahead of her time because the day is coming when we'll all be swallowing flies and spiders and any other little creepy-crawly we can catch.

Exaggeration? Possibly.

But unless we start introducing juicily-bloated bluebottles into the food chain there's no way we can feed the nine billion people expected to be around in 2050.

Don't go yeeuuuchhh!!! A UN report says we should rear billions of common house flies on a diet - another yeeuuuchhh!!! - of human waste and abattoir blood.

No, you don't spread it on your toast instead of marmite - probably taste the same, though.

These bluebottles would be ground up for animal feed and there's no shortage of raw materials.

The report says a single house fly lays up to 1,000 eggs a week - wonder what a married one lays - meaning hundreds of tonnes each year to feed our Sunday roast.

And just think, at a barbecue the flies would steer clear of your pork chop, Uncle Freddie might be part of it so show some respect.

Meanwhile, what about those "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup" jokes? That waiter will soon be saying, "Really, sir? That'll be 50p extra."

One of literature's most revolting characters, named RM Renfield, pops up in Dracula, a patient in a lunatic asylum who believes that by eating living creatures he absorbs their life force.

So he grabs any passing bluebottle and chomps it down while it's still buzzing. Then he starts feeding flies to spiders because spiders offer more bulk. Tastier, too.

Next, sparrows to eat the spiders, but when he's caught vomiting feathers it puts the kybosh on his request for a pet kitten "for company".

Not quite as ambitious as the old lady who actually did swallow a cat to get the bird she'd swallowed to get the spider that wriggled - well, you know the rest.

Like Renfield she was clearly a zoophagus maniac, defined by the asylum's Doc Seward as a carnivorous madman or, in her case, a carnivorous mad old lady.

The UN report doesn't stop at bluebottles.

Other insects including crickets, beetles, bees, wasps, caterpillars, grasshoppers, termites and ants could become "a major industrial food source".

Why not? Insects are eaten all over the world - the Emperor Hirohito of Japan liked nothing better than a bowl of rice and crunchy wasps.

In passing, think of Little Miss Muffet. Any spider sitting down beside 'er would go straight into her curds and whey. Listen, in Cambodia fried spider (tarantula) is a treat for kids.

Even mozzies are on the menu in some countries so imagine telling one as you hold him up, "Ok, punk, you been feeding on me, now it's my turn to feed on you. Make my day."

And let's not forget John the Baptist who lived on locusts and honey while in the wilderness.

The report says more than 1,900 species of insects are OK to eat and are already part of the diet of some two billion people. Among them - time for another yeeuuuchhh!!! - cockroaches.

But the most popular insect grub - yes, grubs are there, as well - are beetles, with ants, bees and wasps the runners-up.

Gives a whole new meaning to fly-tipping, don't you think? AND FINALLY...

"Terrorists stalk our streets. Men whose religion is alien to us demand an end to the butchery of followers of their faith in far-off lands.

"Our culture is under threat, a tidal wave of immigrants plot to impose their own way of life on us."

No, not the ranting of the EDL or the zanier Ukip zealots. This was a newspaper editorial in Britain a century ago and the aliens were Jews fleeing the pogroms of Eastern Europe.

They were told by their own Jewish leaders that if they wished to stay there should be "a complete amalgamation with the aims and feelings of their hosts."

So they amalgamated. Isn't this the message that Muslim leaders should be preaching today? Instead, I get the impression that rather than adapting to our culture too many expect us to adapt to their way of life.

The Muslim writer Yasmin Alibhai-Brown wrote that "once we could say that Islamic fanatics, thugs, killers and mind-benders represented a minority. Today, I fear it, it is the opposite. The barbarians have taken over mosques, schools, homes, hearts and minds".

Time for the imams to repeat the message of those Jewish leaders? NOW HAVE YOUR SAY Do you agree with Dan? email dan.oneill@walesonline.co.uk

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Publication:South Wales Echo (Cardiff, Wales)
Date:May 29, 2013
Words:821
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