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WEEKEND: One duck that is very, very wet.

Byline: Wilf Lunn

EVERY year a homeopathy company kill a duck. Then they remove 35 grams of its liver and 15 grams of its heart.

I don't know what they do with the rest of the duck but the bits they've got they prepare in water which they dilute so many times that there isn't a trace of duck left.

Despite this it's not suitable for vegetarians. This is then the homeopathic remedy for flu or as the French call it, 'la grippe'.

It's highfalutingly called Oscillococcinum pronounced, oh-sila-cox-see-num. The water of that dissolved golden duck i'm told sells for EUR20,000,000 a year.

Homeopathy is the science of the minimum dose. The idea is that like cures like.

So if you have insomnia, what causes insomnia? Coffee. So they dissolve a tiny bit of coffee in gallons of water. That's sold as a cure for insomnia.

Alright you say so it's just the same as vaccinations. No!?

Vaccinations have some content. Homeopathic remedies are diluted so many times they have not an atom of the original product.

Some argue that the water has a memory of the original coffee or duck bits. If that's the case how's it forgotten the pipes it's been through or various people's bladders.

Believers laugh when you point out that some cultures apply the same 'like cures like' theory. For example the idea that the ground down powder of the erect rhino horn cures sexual dysfunction in men. Isn't that like cures like?

Or the voodoo idea that you can influence a person by sticking pins in a doll likeness.

I've an old letter from Crippen the convicted murderer. He was a homeopath and he sold homeopathic plasters to cure deafness.

In the watery world of the homeopath there's someone with a sense of humour.

Prior to settling down, young men would try their best to lead young ladies astray before they fixed on who to marry.

This was called 'Sowing their wild oats'. Interestingly there's a homeopathic remedy made from wild oats. What does it cure? Uncertainty.

I'm making my own homeopathetic perfumes. The more you splash on the less you smell. It's not suitable for aromatherapy.

If you are interested in cooking I've heard of a homeopathic recipe for soup. It's made with the shadow of a duck. In this recipe the duck survives. For vegetarian homeopathic soup, substitute the shadow of the duck for the shadow of a cabbage.

FENG SHUI.

We'd never heard of Feng Shui during the war. Little did we realise it was very influential.

How?

Well we removed all the spike topped cast iron railing and chucked them in the North Sea.

Little did we realise by removing the bad Feng Shui spikes we inadvertently created good Feng Shui and consequently we won the war.

Didn't we?

CRYSTAL THERAPY.

Crystal therapy has been with us a long time, but we haven't realised it. Why are rich people rich and happy. It's because they make sure they have lots of crystal chandeliers, isn't it?.

ACUPUNCTURE.

Please note, If you invite your local acupuncturist to use their expertise to supervise the 'Pin the tail on the donkey' at your child's party, it can cause offence.

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WATER WHIFF: Wilf Lunn's homeopathic perfumes
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Publication:Huddersfield Daily Examiner (Huddersfield, England)
Date:Dec 6, 2008
Words:545
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