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Victor Lewis-Smith Column: HAVING A BRIT ON THE SIDE.

MUCH as I detest the Polly Fillers of this world, who use their newspaper columns to air their trivial day-to-day problems, I have no option today but to make a personal announcement. I am trapped in a woman's body and urgently need help.

Try to be sympathetic. It takes all sorts and, after all, vaginismus is a terrible thing. But it's been almost a week now and I simply cannot write properly in this position, because she keeps sticking her elbows onto the keyboard and hitting the &pounds ^$pounds * insert key]]]]]]]], sO if anybody does have a crowbar and a tuBe of water-bas>ed lubricant{{{{ and can get me out, we'd both bE most obliged#. ]

Being trapped in the wrong body used to be a subject fit for discussion only in hushed whispers, but nowadays people are positively queueing up to talk on television about their myriad kinks and perversions. Switch on any night, and you'll see them eagerly describing every kind of deviancy, from streaking and S&M to bestiality and transvestitism, not forgetting adultery, polygamy, troilism, extra-marital sex and even (very occasionally) intra-marital sex. Channel 5 are leading the charge into the gutter, trying to justify their tacky, semi-pornographic output by claiming that the British are all in and out of each other's beds all the time, when in fact the opposite is true. In countries where everyone really is at it like knives, they're far too busy to go on TV and talk about it. But here, we all sit slumped in our armchairs like jaded emperors, eating microwaved dinners and staring idly at the flickering screen. And just as we like to watch TV sportsmen (who'll do our running or us) and TV chefs (who'll do our cooking for us), so we prefer a spot of vicarious sexual deviancy to the real thing.

In fact, there are precious few sexual perversions that haven't been thought of many times already (although I suspect they're talked about a great deal more than they're practised). There are traditional AC-DC types (who look sweet upon the seat of a bisexual built for two), trisexuals (who'll try anything sexual), and devotees of tantric sex, but a friend of mine has recently come up with a genuinely new concept: tantrum sex, during which he and his wife shout at each other for hours, then both storm out of the house and sleep with other people. As for me, I'm hedgerowsexual. I sleep with blackberries and brambles. Don't tell me you've never thought about it. Go on, those redcurrants are asking for it.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Lewis-Smith, Victor
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jul 8, 2000
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