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Using your noodle.

Here's a bit of news from Sarah Brady's "Handgun Control Semi-Annual Progress Report" that I found very interesting.

I'm sure you're familiar with the column "The Armed Citizen" in the NRA's magazines. (You know, that's the section with dozens of stories of citizens successfully utilizing their firearms to defend themselves.) Well, Sarah's answer is a column called "Guns Don't Die ... People Do."

In this column, Sarah demonstrates the need for gun control by relating several short accounts of citizens successfully utilizing their firearms to injure themselves and other citizens around them in totally idiotic ways. Here's one:

"In Tampa, Fla., at their wedding reception, an angry bride threw a plate of macaroni at her new husband, who responded by shooting her in the stomach with a handgun."

After reading that, it's clear that those two people were not responsible for their own actions. There was a dangerous mix at that party, and we must certainly blame the manufacturers, the distributors, the publicists, and anyone else who made it possible for those misguided individuals to walk into a store and purchase such instruments of death.

In the wake of this tragedy, I feel we must band together and take action to limit the availability these deadly products. In fact, I think the time has come to enact a total, outright ban!

On pasta.

Statistics show that over 50 percent of all American homes contain some type of noodle. It may be only a bag of tortelini or a few shells of rigatoni to be used for "gourmet purposes," but there are just too many kids out there on the streets carrying bags of high-capacity assault macaroni.

The time has come for the introduction of strict pasta control. Why do we allow criminals, street gangs, drug dealers, and other maniacs such easy access to their pasta of choice? Culinary background checks, pasta registration, and one-noodle-a-month programs could save thousands of lives. After all, why does anyone need to eat pasta more than once a month?

Our nation should also act quickly to put pasta detectors at the front doors of our elementary schools and low-rent public housing developments. This would slow the easy flow of pasta through the inner city gangs. How long will we continue to allow maniacs to walk onto the grounds of our schools and endanger our children with cheap, imported, military-style manicotti?

I propose we establish a pre-pasta-purchase proficiency exam to ensure that macaroni buyers have an awareness of the dangers of linguini in the home as well as the added threats of making your own marinara sauce or stuffing your own ravioli. I also propose that we ban all pasta that falls below a "pasta melting point" to keep cheap Saturday Night Spaghetti out of the hands of criminals.

Certainly there will be people who claim pasta control favors those of "Italio-American" heritage and those rich enough to afford cooking schools and gourmet equipment. These critics will claim that the people in the inner cities who are most in need of pasta are the only ones who will be denied access, but isn't that a price worth paying to make our streets safe again?

Of course, the rich and powerful pasta cartel will fight this legislation, claiming every American has a Constitutional right to eat pasta. It is this group of influential, overpaid lobbyists, however, who have worked to build up a pasta craze in this country through a noodle media of cooking magazines and videos, making the eating of pasta seem glamorous, as if the answer to all life's problems could be found in a plate of vermicelli.

The diet books and talk shows have been telling us for years that we have no power over food, and now it's been proved. This unwitting young Florida couple fell prey to the fallacy that we are responsible for our own actions. Unaware of the fact that food could literally control their minds and bodies, this bride and groom sat down to a dinner table full of death. The pasta took over that day, and a woman paid the ultimate price.

We must control this deadly stream of noodles if ever our city streets are to be safe again. Only then can we put an end to the flawed and fatal idea: "I'll give up my lasagna when they pry it our of my cold, dead hand."
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Title Annotation:The Inside Scoop; handgun control
Author:Farrel, Scoop
Publication:Shooting Industry
Article Type:Column
Date:Jun 1, 1993
Previous Article:Take a new look at Springfield, Inc.
Next Article:Colt's seeks an end to Chapter 11, introduces new .22.

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