Torn between my ex and my new partner.
Q MY problem is I love two different men. One of them is my ex-husband and the other my new partner.
I divorced my ex because he had a big problem with alcohol and could be violent. I could handle him but it was having a bad affect on our kids, so I felt I had to end the marriage.
I wasn't with anyone for three years, which was when I met my current partner. We have now been together for six years.
He is a really lovely person. He has always wanted us to marry, but I kept finding excuses, such as it was better for the kids if I didn't.
But they've both left home now and they also think I should marry him. But about three years ago, my ex got in touch and said he'd cleaned up his act.
He said thanks to me leaving him, he'd given up drinking. He swore he was a reformed character.
I told him about my new partner and he said he understood. But he said I was the only woman for him and he would wait forever if necessary.
He works abroad but when he's back we always meet up on the quiet and it's like we were teenagers again.
My kids don't even know as they have no time for him. But now he's given me an ultimatum - he has been offered a permanent job abroad and wants me with him. He says it's now all or nothing and I have a month to make up my mind. I don't know what to do.
A SORRY, I don't know either. It's something you must decide for yourself.
But it might help if you get a piece of paper and write down all the reasons for going back to your former husband and all those for staying put. One of the things that strikes me, however, is that should you decide to reconcile with the ex, you're going to be a long, long way from home if things go pear-shaped. I accept he's quit drinking - or rather says he has - but what happens if he starts boozing again and becomes abusive?
You'll not have your friends or kids to turn to. You'll be on your own in a strange country. I know you and he have been seeing each other for a few years, but you haven't really spent much time together.
All there's been are some short, sexually-charged meetings. So think very carefully before you burn your boats. It seems too much of a risk to me.
At the same time, however, even if you let your ex go, I think you're right not to marry your current partner. It's obvious you don't love him enough.