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Tonight! On gay TV.... (final cut).

Have you had it with traditional television as much as I have? Then let's try something new (and possibly ridiculous). Let's turn our efforts to developing programming for the new gay cable network, coming soon from the gay-friendly folks at MTV and Showtime. But rather than go the traditional route and take our ideas right to them, let's pitch them first to each other right here in The Advocate!

OK, I'll go first. (Note that my casting suggestions have not been cleared with the talent's representatives and in no way reflect the actor's relative gaiety.)

* My Three Gay Sons. Bruce Vilanch stars as a single gay dad living in the relative solitude of Peoria, Ill., with two grown gay sons (Chad Allen and Chad Lowe) who run a scandal-prone combination bathhouse and coin laundry called Hot Towels. A crisis ensues when Bruce decides to adopt a new gay son (played with exceptional poise by Haley Joel Osment), who disapproves not only of his brothers' bad behavior but of his father's job as architect of a very unattractive cookie-cutter subdivision of Brady Bunch-style houses in subtle rainbow colors.

* The Bitch Is Back! The one and only Jenifer Lewis has a field day as Deena Jones, a faded '70s recording artist with a big gay following desperate to make a comeback. Although it's been years since the clubs played her biggest hit ("I Won't Survive If You Leave Me This Way"), she's still a legend in her own. low-rent bungalow. In the show, structured as a series of chapters in her memoirs--dictated to her gay assistant, played by hunk du jour Tom Welling on his days off from Smallville--she struggles to rebuild her career each week by scheming to win an award from a different gay or AIDS services group. The only problem is: She's never done anything for anybody but herself].

* Girls' Night Out. A new take on The View, with Lea DeLaria, Robin Givens, Melissa Etheridge, Allison Janney, and Winona Ryder sitting on a sofa and a couple of armchairs, exchanging fashion tips and health information for the Gay Girl on the Go! Lea and Melissa argue over who will sing a song each show, Allison demonstrates the fast-talking ways of an Extremely Tall Girl, Robin handles makeup, and Winona demonstrates "starlifting"--her own brand of stealing that "isn't really stealing."

* WeHo Madness. Taking off from where even Queer as Folk won't go, this series--starring porn icon Jeff Stryker in a career-making role--follows four friends in West Hollywood who all take drugs, drink excessively, go to circuit parties, have vast quantities of anonymous sex, and are only dimly aware of who Matthew Shepard was. When the foursome's mentor, Jeff, a sexual-compulsion therapist, counsels one friend (Matthew Perry) to get sober and turn his life around, they're both immediately deleted from the others' speed dials.

* It's My NYPD. But Bill Brochtrup won't be crying (even if he wanted to) in this new series. Facing a class action suit, the NYPD is forced to train novice Bill as the lieutenant of a squad of burly detectives. The NYPD has never been bluer than on this show, as Bill gets his revenge for his thankless years on ABC by having a hot-hot-hot boyfriend (played by Josh Hartnett, pending availability), catching and roughing up bad guys with his bare hands, and even engaging in an intra-office affair that would make Jimmy Smits and Kim Delaney blush. Bare butts throughout!

* Jungle Gym. After three tedious films in a row, Kevin Spacey makes a 180-degree turn to take on the challenging role of the owner of a San Francisco gay gym. The Oscar winner's chops are much in demand, as affairs and rivalries abound from the StairMaster to the steam room. In the pilot episode, tempers flare on the line for the ButtBlaster, and Kevin has to come between guest stars Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor--and falls in love with them both!

That should be enough original programming for the first season, right? They're all so dam promising, so fresh, so original--but I'm sure you could do even better (if you put your mind to it). So help me out. The future of Gay TV is in your hands.
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Copyright 2002, Gale Group. All rights reserved. Gale Group is a Thomson Corporation Company.

Article Details
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Title Annotation:hypothetical television programs about homosexuality
Author:Barclay, Paris
Publication:The Advocate (The national gay & lesbian newsmagazine)
Article Type:Brief Article
Geographic Code:1USA
Date:Mar 5, 2002
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