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Today's TV; SOAP UPDATE.

Byline: CLAIRE MURPHY

EMMERDALE

ITV, 8pm

Carly's staying with Bob and his missus Brenda (love how Carly persists in calling her Wendy), and once her bridal gown is off, she's back in business. With near-orphan April by her side, the pair guilt-trip punters into buying whatever dodgy stuff they can flog from the back of Carly's van.

Val is home, but looks like death and is refusing to take her meds.

And Vanessa also believes she's got an appointment with the Grim Reaper when Kirin notices a lump in her breast.

EASTENDERS

BBC1, 8pm

Comic Relief is on tomorrow, but Carol's so miserable you'd be forgiven for wanting to ring in and pledge money to help her tonight.

In a lovely, understated scene from actress Lindsey Coulson, she talks about life after cancer with a counsellor.

Nancy and Tamwar go on a date mean while his sis Shabs and Kush reveal their relationship and Les and his birdie, Pam, celebrate 43 years of marriage. But who is the glamorous woman Les is secretly buying a present for?

COMEDY

CHARLIE BROOKER'S WEEKLY WIPE

BBC2, 10pm

If life is like a box of chocolates, then this comedy review of the past seven days is definitely flavoured with something off-kilter like salt or chilli. Both are dark, intense and an acquired taste that won't suit everyone.

But strong language aside, Brooker is an always witty guide through the most memorable TV events. And as much as he enjoys making fun of Sky News, what Brooker obviously loves more is making striking comparisons. For example, he called David Cameron a "shiny-chinned succubus of the damned" and has likened George Osborne to "a novelty key ring" but he meant both in a loving way. Sort of.

Tonight's compilation "best bits" package contains highlights from the latest series, which featured a thoughtful take on the Charlie Hebdo killings, an explanation of what Isis could mean to us, a round-up of the EastEnders' live week, and a damning series of skits about Russell Brand and his bogus "true-volution" from impersonator Morgana Robinson.

CHARITY

COMIC RELIEF: OPERATION HEALTH

BBC1, 9pm

In Uganda, there is a place of work infested with rats with no running water. Staff beg not to be sent there. But it's not a prison. It's a hospital, where women give birth by the light of mobile phones.

Comic Relief's biggest challenge yet is to transform the run-down Iyolwa clinic into a decent health centre.

Celebrities were shocked at what they saw. Richard Hammond speaks for many when he says: "We probably take it for granted that here in the UK, if we become ill we have a backdrop of support. With your help we want to do exactly that for communities across Africa." Naturalist Steve Backshall was in charge of removing, rather than conserving, the wildlife: "The clinic was absolutely rife with stinging wasps and rodents. People could turn up and get more sick, rather than better!" Alex Jones is impressed with the finished building.

"People will have a clean, safe and fully functioning medical facility available when they are sick, injured, or giving birth," she says.

Sew, who's going to win?

THE GREAT BRITISH SEWING BEE

BBC2, 8pm

THE remaining contestants - war veteran Neil, relative newcomer Matt and experienced Lorna - are gathered, puckered with nerves and straining with tension.

It may only be dressmaking to us, but to them it's a battle, with sewing machines, pins and needles as their weapons of soft construction.

Tonight judges May Martin, in regal purple, and the well-tailored Patrick Grant, give them their first challenge. And it's a shocker.

The most complex, trickiest ever.

An authentic Japanese pattern is the blueprint for an asymmetrical blouse, made from one piece of cloth that's folded on itself.

Having achieved that (mostly), it's time for the alteration test.

The trio must cut up a beautiful Grecian-style pleated gown and reinvent it as something wearable.

Neil comes up with a mini-skirt and ankle covers, which Claudia calls "the skanklet". Patrick, a man obviously brought up with good manners, can't think of anything nice to say. He's more or less speechless, for the first time in the series. The rest of the group is in, er, stitches.

The final challenge is to design and execute a catwalk-ready dress for a particular model - for Matt and Neil it's their wives, and for Lorna, her daughter-in-law. The finalists need to show strong technical skills as well as the ability to translate their drawings into show-stopping garments.

Their ideas are outrageous, as they should be. Matt's is best described as a couture lampshade. Lorna has a more conventional approach, but wants to add fairy lights. Neil has been influenced by the colours of Afghanistan: the lush Green Zone, the blues of the Helmand river, and a nice bit of camouflage material, too.

Like we said, it's a battle...

CAPTION(S):

WORRY Kirin and Vanessa

DATE Nancy and Tamwar

STRONG STUFF Charlie Brooker

CHALLENGE Builders at health centre
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Mar 12, 2015
Words:831
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