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This is not a murder mystery.


The snow covered the city on Xmas Eve. (There was no snow.) The 3 friends met before midnight mass and returned to the old Brooklyn house near Kings Highway to watch an erotic murder mystery. Their names were A, B, and C. (Do you believe me?)

They were not the 3 Magi, for they were 3 middle-age Jewish men. "Happy Chanukah", they said to one another. Still, they watched midnight mass, after viewing the mystery on the VCR in the basement.

The man who lived in the house (the house belonged to his parents) was a student of religion and history. He gave a brief lecture on Catholicism. His name was A, AKA King Solomon (ho, ho, ho and a merry Xmas).

Later, they separated. (Really?) It was after 1 AM. The friend who lived in Seagate (his name was B, AKA King David) almost took 2 buses home. Almost. He went to the train station at King Highway and East 15 Street and waited for the D train. (He should have taken a care service at this hour. He didn't. He waited for the D train.)

C, AKA Harry Houdini, Sampson, and/or Rasputin, waited with B while A went to the bank. When A arrived, C left. King Solomon waited with King David until the D train arrived. The D train took King David to Coney Island. When King David got off the D train at Stillwell Avenue in Coney Island, something happened.

Something happened!


Who is C? Is the Harry Houdini, Sampson, or Rasputin? Is the someone else? (Hold onto your magic, Harry! Beware! Delilah may cut off your hair, steal your power, and let some evil spirits shoot holes in your mad monk's body. Beware!)

Who is C? C I not C!


On Xmas day, C wrote a murder mystery. Who got killed? In C's story, B got killed on Xmas Eve when he got off the D train at Stillwell Avenue in Coney Island.

C enjoyed writing the murder mystery entitled: "This is not a Murder Mystery."

Gee, it sounds familiar. Did I read it in MMM (Murder Mystery Magazine) yesterday? I'll check to see. (Who am I? I am C. Of course, I am C! And of course, I am not C! Get it?)


This is not a Murder Mystery by C

The snow covered all. The snow and the snow and the snow slashed the city. Slashed the city! It slashed and covered and mutilated the city on Xmas Eve. And.

I slipped into the middle and read: C, AKA Harry Houdini, Sampson, and/or Rasputin waited with King David while King Solomon went to the bank. (But who is C?)

But who is C? (C is not C!)

C is not C! (I don't care if C is not C! Does C or not C have a soul? Does he have a soul? A soul?)

December, 26, between 10 and 11 at night and C could not sleep. He called Delilah (who has not yet appeared in this story). Delilah was not home.

C called his friend D, AKA Charlie Darwin, Charlie Marx, Groucho Marx, Buffalo Bob, The Joker, and. D was not home.

C got dressed and went to Dunklin' Donuts on Kings Highway. And wonder of wonders: D was sitting in Dunklin' Donuts with 2 friends named E and F.

C cried out: "Charlie Darwin!"

D cried out: "Sampson, I willed you her! I willed you to come to Dunkin' Donuts."

C replied: "You tricked me, Charlie Darwin! I thought I was Harry Houdini!"

D said: "Oh, no, C! I am the real Harry Houdini! Trust me!"

C replied: "Trust you? You're asking a bit too much, Charlie Marx. I don't even trust Santa Claus!"

D said: "What did you say?"

C replied: "I don't even trust Santa Claus!"

And a bird flew down from nowhere (there was a hole in the ceiling or the front door was open and the wind blew a lost bird into Dunkin' Donuts or C and D were hallucination or all of the above or none of the above or some of the above or it doesn't matter, does it?) and sat on C's shoulder. Attached to the bird, was a C note.

C cried out: "Money from heaven!"

D said: "You said the magic words: Santa Claus!"


In early December, Sampson had a blind date with Delilah. He fell for her. (Actually, he fell in the snow while saving Delilah from a speeding car which almost ran her over.) Sampson fell for Delilah. (He fell for her, but not in the snow, for there was no snow except in somebody's hallucination. Trust me!"

He fell for her, but he did not trust her.

On their second date, Sampson said to Delilah: "Do you have scissors in your pocketbook?"

Delilah smiled seductively and whispered: "Oh, Sampson, I would never cut off your hair! I want to experience your almighty power! Trust me!"

Sampson blew cold air in Delilah's face and announced with the sound and fury of the biblical Sampson and the mad monk Rasputin: "Never!" Later, they kissed and made up. (Apparently, Sampson had a terminal case of FIL--Falling In Love, the disease of the 20th century. Thank God, we're approaching the 21st century!)


A decade ago (more or less, and maybe 2 decades ago), C came down with FIL (Falling In Love disease AKA FILS -- Falling In Love Syndrome). He caught FIL or FILS.

C caught FIL or FILS. And thus, he got married. He married a blonde angel who became a blonde devil. Before she became a femme fatale, she gave C a beautiful gift. Baby!

One day, to blonde angel changed her mind about C. And she ran away with Baby.

The blonde angel kidnapped Baby.

The blonde angel abandoned C.

The blonde angel ran away from C, whom she no longer loved with love. She still loved him. But she loved him with a violent hate.

Goodbye, C! (Goodbye, Baby! Goodbye, Hope, Faith, and Charity! And remember, FIL or FILS is terminal.)

The blonde angel vanished! They disappeared into the sunset because they were 3 close friends of the blonde angel. They were go go dancers at the BLUE ANGEL. (Don't believe everything you read.)

C went to the BLUE ANGEL hoping to find Hope, Faith, and Charity and the blonde angel and Baby. He didn't find them. But he stayed to watch the show. He watched topless go go dancers shake, rattle, and roll. And he drank a Sombrero.

C drank a Sombrero at the BLUE ANGEL and watched topless go go dancers and forgot about the blonde angel and Baby and Faith, Hpe and Charity.

C fell in love with a red angel at the BLUE ANGEL and forgot about the blond angel and lived happily ever after! And he became a spy. (Really?)

C became a spy at the BLUE ANGEL.

C became a spy at the RED ANGEL. He was drunk and he thought he was at the BLUE ANGEL but he was really at the RED ANGEL. (Lies! Lies! Lies!)

C became a master spy and was never the same again! (Sounds right.)

Once, something happened to C and he was never the same again. What really happened? (C was born.) Something happened to C. (But C does not exist.)

Something happened! (I can't figure it out. I try. Nothing makes sense. Does C have a soul? A soul? Soul?) It happened! (I created C! Of course, I did. And who am I? And who am I? And who am I?)

Something happened and it ended and it began and C traveled through a labyrinth and disappeared. C disappeared.

Goodbye, C! (Come out! Come out! Wherever you are, wherever you are, wherever.) Goodbye!

C gave B a copy of "This is not a Murder Mystery" to read. Later, B said: "Why did you kill me?"

"I didn't kill you. They killed you!"

"But they didn't kill me. They mugged me."

"Of course, they mugged you. But if I write the Truth, I won't have a murder mystery."

"Change it! Tell them King David was attacked on Xmas Eve in Coney Island by a pack of muggers and without a slingshot, with only my bare hands on a frostbitten night, I fought them off--a pack of Goliaths. Tell them the Truth!"


"Of course."


The Truth is that B is not B. B is a mythological character. B is a fictional character in "This is not a Murder Mystery" by C who is not C.

(But is there a happy ending?)


This is not a Murder Mystery by C

... (Skip to the end!)

And King David fought a pack of Goliaths on Xmas Eve in Coney Island as he walked to Seagate. He beat them up with his mighty tongue (Biblical quotes which stopped them short) and few karate chops. (There were no karate cops.)

And King David was triumphant and. (Actually, King David suffers from Tourette's Disorder. And when the muggers attacked him, giant tics appeared on his face and spread throughout his body. Giant tics terrified most of the muggers who ran off. But the last mugger was not terrified. The last mugger did not run and would have killed King David. A few seconds before the ultimate act would have been executed, this nonbelieving mugger had a religious experience when he witnessed King David's seizure by a lamppost (which did not exist). The magnificent seizure left the mugger awestricken and transformed. "God exists!" he shouted before he vanished into the holy night. "God exists!" And the last mugger left King David alone, under the lamppost (which did not exist), at the tail end of King David's grand mal attack of epilepsy.)

And King David was triumphant and. (Actually, King David suffers from Tourette's Disorder but he does not have epileptic seizures. On occasion, he makes strange sounds: clicks, grunts, and ... I don't know if I should reveal this. Well, there are weird vocalization. I've heard yelps and barks and.)

And King David was triumphant and. (He terrified the muggers and they ran off. They thought he was a mad dog and they did not want to get rabies!)


This is not a Murder Mystery by C

... (Skip to the end!)

Is there a happy ending?


Is there a happy ending?

(Are you kidding?)

Is there a happy ending)

A happy ending?


(Ask God! Ask C since C is the God of "This is not a Murder Mystery".)

... And King David went to the train station at Kings Highway and E 15 Street and waited for the D train. C waited with him until A arrived. Then, A waited with him and C left.

In a little while, King David realized he had made a mistake. "It's too dangerous to walk through Coney Island at this hour!" he said to A. "By golly, I'll go home by car service!"

"Ingenious idea!" said A.

King David went home by car service and never fought a pack of Goliaths. (Don't worry! There'll be another opportunity to experience a violent night! Don't worry!) In "This is no Murder Mystery", anything is possible--even a happy ending.

Look over there! C is standing on a podium and is about to make an announcement: "To all my beloved creation, I love you! God loves you! I love you and since I am God, God loves you! And I love being God! Being God is the best thing that ever happened to me! And I will continue to be God as long as I write stories. And needless to say, "This is not a Murder Mystery" is the greatest story ever told! Thank you. God has spoken!"


This is not a Murder Mystery by C

Now, all wars have ended and on this Xmas Eve, there is peace throughout the world. A tranquil snow covers the earth. All men and women are blessed with an immortal soul and believe in Almighty God.

Thank God!


This is not a Murder Mystery by C

C did not write "This is not a Murder Mystery". I did! Still, all is well.

Sampson has FILS and so does Delilah. Prognosis: marriage and 1.8 children. (Really?) In the course of their marriage, they will learn to trust each other. (Don't they trust each other now?)

(A little bit.) In fact, Sampson has agreed to let Delilah cut his hair from time to time. Baby is on the way and they need to cut expenses. (Delilah says she gives a damn good haircut and insists that her scissors are powerless.) And Delilah tells Sampson: "Trust me!" "Trust me!" she says. (A pointless statement. Right?)

King David is alive and well and continues to take car service home at ungodly hours.

King Solomon is wise and very talkative (although he did not speak much in this story. Of course, he was quiet. I cut off his tongue at crucial points in this non-murder story. But I am a loving and forgiving God. I cut off his tongue and put it back when King Solomon learned the lesson of silence. Indeed, silence is the secret center of King Solomon's wisdom. God knows! Trust me!).

King Solomon told Sampson and Delilah: "Your future marriage is blessed by God. Trust me!"

And I say: "Trust me" Don't trust me! Trust me! Don't trust me! Trust me! Don't trust me!" (Who am I?)

Who am I? (Who am I? Encapsulated being within a labyrinth within a labyrinth within a labyrinth of eternal mysteries of eternal mysteries.)

Who am I? (Who am I? Being a cocoon searching for his immortal soul. Always searching!)

Who am I? (Master Detective of the Universe? Seeker of Truth? Jeopardy Champion in Double Jeopardy and ready to provide the ecumenical question? In response to "The Eternal Mystery!" "I AM.")

Nothing makes sense and that is why, first thing in the morning, when the sun rises, I will write "This is not Murder Mystery". Of course, if I wake up. If ...

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Author:Waldman, Mel
Date:Jan 1, 2006
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