The truth about cats and dogs.
Lipstick: I love Sephora! Mall Rat, what makes you think you need to run up to her and say, "Hi, can I have your phone number? I wanna chow your box." Why not just introduce yourself, say that you've seen her across the way, figured she was new and wanted to say hello? Feel her out (no, do not use your hands!) and, while you're looking into her eyes, turn up your gaydar. What kind of energy does she give off? Once you're face to face, labia to labia, I bet you'll know. Ask her when she has a break--maybe you could shag and grab her tits. Oops, I meant grab a bag of chips! Sorry. Didn't mean to get ahead of myself.
Dipstick: Rat, she's a lesbo. Straight girls do not wear men's watches, even in Sephora, whatever that is. What you need to do is catch this customer service worker off duty. Hitting on a gal while she's on the job is risky business. Here's the plan: Challenge the Sephora team to a friendly game of softball, her store versus yours. If the girl can bat and throw, you're golden. Get her drunk at the post-game party and go for it!
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I recently started dating this woman in my yoga class. On our third date, after I really started digging her, she told me she was a recovering alcoholic. My question is this: Could it work between us? I like to go out and have a good time every now and then. Should I bail or give us a chance?--Last Call
Lipstick: Get out your stein, Light Boozer, and start bailing because it won't work unless you curb the drinking. I have friends that are in the program and I believe these are the first two tenets of Alcoholics Anonymous: 1) Don't drink. 2) Don't date the hot party animal in your bikram class (unless she can wrap her leg around her head; then sleep with her once and run in the opposite direction). For real, almost everyone I've known who's tried to cross-pollinate has ended up with their wounded heart in a brown bag. Bottoms up with caution.
Dipstick: Oh Lipstick, that is so old school. These days, alkies and drinkers can mix like gin and tonic. Well, maybe that's a bad analogy, but if you like this girl, things can work. The best thing about gals in recovery is that they're willing to face their issues--beats someone blaming all the relationship problems on you, eh? If you do go out for a drink, don't expect to come home and snog your sober girl, though. Friends in the program liken it to an ex-smoker making out with the Marlboro Man. Yech!
Dear Lipstick and Dipstick: I have just come out and am learning so many things about the "life." I heard recently there's a deep connection between cats and lesbians, but I've been seeing a lot of lesbians with dogs. Are cat lovers more often lesbians than dog lovers? I have one cat. Would it help me to find a girlfriend if I get another cat? What if I had three cats? And are there colors or types I should be looking for, to attract more women?--Confused Pussy
Lipstick: Oh sweet girl, all lesbians know gray cats attract more women than tabbies, and medium-haired calicos are the ideal night cats for the nightcap--they help you bag the babe every time. Stay away from Siamese cats, as they invite aggressive women with short fuses. Aside from the make and model, the more pussies you have, the more lesbians you'll appeal to, so head to the shelter, Confused Pussy, and adopt every cat in the place. (Side note: the smaller the apartment, the better.)
Dipstick: Once again, how wrong you are, Lipstick! How's she going to attract a feline femme with her pussy at home? It's not cats but cuddly puppies that are the best babe magnets. A walk around the park with Spot and all the ladies will come running. Don't get me wrong--I love my kitties, but they've never helped me purr into a woman's ear. Plus, they always do that little paw-under-the-door thing at such inopportune times.
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