The ta-ta from me AWARDS.
AFTER 201 columns, it's with a heavy heart that I say this is my final one.
What an incredible four years of TV.
Sky1 taught a dog to fly an aeroplane, Gary Lineker presented Match of the Day in his underpants, Danny Dyer was revealed as the rightful heir to the throne.
And a bloke with a beard made front-page news by throwing ice cream in a bin in a big tent, on BBC2.
Television. Bloody hell. So I leave you with an awards special.
Runners-up: Strictly Come Dancing, Eurovision, The Wrong Mans, SAS: Who Dares Wins, Marvellous, Our World War, Planet Earth II, Love Island, Britain's Got More Talent, The Apprentice: You're Fired, The Almost Impossible Gameshow, Murder in Successville, Singing in the Rainforest (Happy Mondays episode), Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, Broadchurch, The Island With Bear Grylls, Harry Hill's Alien Fun Capsule, The Night Of, Saturday Night Takeaway, Wild Things, The Real Full Monty, Stag, Touched by Auschwitz, Modern Life is Goodish, World's Strongest Man.
Winner: Line of Duty.
BEST QUIZ SHOW ANSWER
Runners-up: The Chase: "Officially, what colour was champion racehorse Desert Orchid?" Contestant: "Green." Tipping Point: "The word 'swap' is an anagram which stinging insect?" "Bee."
Cash Trapped: "In 1936, Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry which American?" "Marge Simpson."
Think Tank: "Which member of the Cambridge Ring held the position of Surveyor of the Queen's Pictures?" "James Bond."
Winner: The Chase: "Which member of the crow family native to the UK has a bare face?" Contestant: "Russell Crowe."
SHORTEST ATTENTION SPAN
Pointless contestant Matt: "I'm a golfer and I also a three and a half month old daughter." Alexander Armstrong, left: "That's lovely. How old is she?" Matt: "Three and a half months."
BEST MEDICAL ADVICE
Runners-up: This Morning's Dr Ranj in a heatwave: "Keep yourself cool by putting cold things on you." GMB's Dr Hilary's winter health tips: "Wear warm clothes."
Winner: Embarrassing Bodies: "Inserting a pair of curling tongs in the rectum can cause serious problems."
MR MUDDLE AWARD
Love Island's Harley: "I don't feel like I said anything bad. It just came out the wrong way. I got my muddles worded up."
BEST ATHLETES' ENTRANCE
BBC's Andrew Cotter at Rio 2016's Opening Ceremony: "Madagascar, probably best known for some cartoon animals in a film."
This Morning: "10.30am: Duped by a Love Rat. 11.15am: Mutant Rat Invasion." That escalated quickly.
Baftas host Graham Norton on the dangers of C4's The Jump: "Poor Sid Owen is looking at two years off work. He wasn't even injured."
MOST BRUTAL PUTDOWN
The Apprentice's Claude Littner on Solomon's business plan: "It's a bloody disgrace. You've given me pictures of sailboats. You can leave. Goodbye."
LEAST AUTHENTIC REALITY SHOW
Producers supplying 10,000 BC's contestants "stone Age without any help" with food, water, blankets, antibiotics, isotonic drinks, boats, mobile phone and seven nights in a hotel because it was a bit chilly.
The One Show to Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul: "Would you rather fight 100 chicken-sized Walter Whites or one Walter White-sized chicken?"
This Morning's Stephen Mulhern: "The average person uses an internet device 34 times a day. So, do we use the net too much? Let us know by email, Facebook or a tweet."
Runners-up: Springwatch's Michaela Strachan: "For shags, the bigger the better." (It's a seabird. Obviously.) Celebrity Squares' Warwick Davis: "What would I be most likely holding if I had rubbed it down to the ferrule?" A restraining order?
Winner: Sky Sports' World Rugby Sevens, Wyn Gruffydd: "There's Kok, making a good fist of it, good pressure being applied." Ben Gollings: "But Dan Norton can stretch the holes on the way back. He's got a lot of room to manoeuvre and that's often a scary sight." You're telling me.
MOST ROMANTIC JEREMY KYLE SHOW THEME ON VALENTINE'S DAY
"How did you catch an STI if you didn't cheat on me?"
Runners-up: This Morning's Russell Grant on Brangelina: "He's Sagittarius, she's Gemini. Their wedding chart is to die for. It will work for ever and ever." Russell Grant on Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas: "The two Venuses in their chart, the goddess of love, absolutely connect. It's a royal marriage." Winner: ITV's Lee Dixon before England v Iceland at Euro 2016: "We'll beat them quite easily."
BEST SPORT ANCHOR
Runner-up: Dan Walker and his "Copaca-binmen" and hen party gatecrashers at Rio 2016.
Winner: Jeff Stelling: "Danny Hylton has scored for Oxford, Adam Marriott for Stevenage. We only need Tommy Travelodge to score as well."
BEST OLD ADAGE
CBB's Janice Dickinson after a row: "It's water under a duck's back's bridge."
"DIDTHATREALLY HAPPEN?" AWARD
ITV's pro-celebrity sheepherding Flockstars, pictured right. (Yes, it really did.)
Runners-up (deep breath): X Factor, Big Brother, The Nightly Show, The Jump, Kat & Alfie: Redwater, You're Back in the Room, Prized Apart, Sex Box, Naked Attraction, Bear Grylls: Mission Survive, Trainspotting Live, Too Much TV, Can't Touch This, Drive, Splash!, Pick Me!, Up Late With Rylan, Wimbledon 2Day, If Katie Hopkins Ruled The World, Eternal Glory, Tumble, Food Glorious Food, The Singer Takes It All, Easter Eggs Live, The Wright Way, Father Figure, Celebrity Haunted Hotel: Live, I Love My Country, Dance Dance Dance, Let It Shine, Pitch Battle, Comic Relief, Derek, Life on Marbs, Young, Free and Single, Citizen Khan, Tom Daley Goes Global, Gok Live: Stripping For Summer, Heading Out, 10 O'Clock Live, Celebrity Super Spa, Sunday Scoop.
But the winner, by a country mile, is EastEnders, a show obsessed with parentage, bin day and misery. In the words of Mick Carter: "Is this it? Is this the best we can hope for? Every day we're in a loop and it's like it's drilling into my skull."
Yes, I'm afraid it is. Time to call it a day, then. Thanks for reading.
HEN PECKED: Dan Walker at Rio 2016
CLASS ACTS: Line of Duty's Thandie Newton and, right, Danny Dyer
TESTING: Apprentice's Claude Littner
CAVE IN: Paige Brookes on 10,000 BC: Two Tribes