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The representative for Nookie Central is..

Byline: Shari Lows.low@dailyrecord.co.uk

DEAR readers, there's no contest this week. The esteemed PISH award (Politician's Incessant Sleaze Habits) is being dipped in disinfectant and dispatched to MP Simon Danczuk's constituency office, henceforth known as Nookie Central.

The MP was shamed yet again this week, after it was revealed he had hooked up with a woman he'd met online, had sex with her on his tax-funded desk and sent the lucky lady thousands of raunchy texts, including many that described his intimate intentions and aspirations in the crudest detail. What a peach. I've said many times that I have zero interest in our politicians' private lives. But holy John Prescott the Second, this can't go on.

Let's put to one side the fact that it must be absolutely mortifying for his children. From a political point of view, it shows unbridled recklessness and utter disdain for his role.

Time's up, Mr Danczuk. You've proved that you shouldn't be in charge of anything more serious than a mobile and a dating app subscription. But, hey, look on the bright side. You'll have so much more time to browse on Plenty of Fish. ?THIS is a public health advisement...

Folks, it's safe to come out of your houses. The news that a new species of repellant bug had been spotted in the Highlands for the first time actually pertained to an insect called a Female Psallus Montanus, and not a more lethal, repugnant pest known as a Male Nigelus Farageus.

?INCIDENTALLY Sharon Osbourne might want to consider putting her legal team on standby after her comments about errant husband, Ozzy. "He's a dog," she sneered. "A dirty dog."

My labradoodle plans to sue for defamation.

CAPTION(S):

CREEP Politician Simon Danczuk

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Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 4, 2016
Words:292
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