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The Thing: My Crazy Family.


--Poisonous ideals ...
Robert Haas and Brenda Hillman

   Who needs a Pillsbury-Dough-Boy daddy
   nice-nice-ing sunshine up your assets? Or a
   doo doo doodoo Martha Stewart mom making you
   Snap! Snap! to her will, double-sticking it to you
   about her doo doo doodoo goody-goody good things?
   The Addams Family taught me my crazy family

   had it right! We live in dungeon dreams
   of Brady-Bunch belonging. Better to Snap! Snap!
   off the reeky rose heads of a Hallmark Card life--
   all that Father Knows Best doo doo doodoo others
   televise they have. Caress, instead, like Morticia, the thorns--
   those lush dependable claws of lust, sloth, greed, envy,

   hate, and grief that last, unlike petals, and last. Snap!
   Snap! out of your float-down-the-River Denial and be free.
   Confess! Surreal and funereal is realer than real.
   Your doo doo doodoo grandmama is Snap! Snap!-ing
   daggers at her son, her daughter-in-law, her grandchildren.
   Daddy would rather stay home sucking a doo doo doodoo

   Cubanito rolled in stocks. Your uncle is a festering conduit
   of charges--a remake of Betty's boop-oop-a-doop Grampy
   bulbs. Are you saying "my crazy family is going to make me
   Snap! Snap!"? Then, you are, as I am in my crazy family,
   the official Thing T. Thing, this give-us-a-hand jane-
   or jack-in-the-box, dismemberment--this member meant

   for delivering doo doo doodoo ego rubs, for dusting secrets
   off the table? Come dirty! Fess up! It's a Snap! Snap!
   to make-wrong, to back-scratch only to be back-scratched
   (with a two-handed back-scratcher), to bitch and snarl
   my crazy family. Harder to be, as I am, as thing as Thing.
   But I have no skittering (dee dee de) Itt; no Lurch intoning

   You rang? You rang? and being that someone to
   turn pages for, to play for me, pay for me.
   To secure your place in the family all you need to doo
   doo doodoo is make a face irrelevant, a voice--
   Snap! Snap! Unnamed and unnameable. Be the one hand
   doo doo doodoo-ing them on. But keep the other

   to yourself--out of the boxed-in, dangling a dervish spin-
   spinning yourself into the beloved, the beloved. Conduct
   yourself, as I do, one hand firmly on the Bible of my crazy
   family, the other a floating cursor on my PC, an illusionist
   detached, prestidigitating my crazy family to
   appear and then, doo doo doodoo ....

Susanna Rich

Kean University

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Author:Rich, Susanna
Publication:Film & History
Article Type:Poem
Date:Mar 22, 2009
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