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The Spits.

THE SPITS are the partially retarded stepchildren of a back alley encounter involving the Ramones and Devo. They rock, and they are funny as shit. They seriously want to kick out the rock and avoid the crybaby whining, but they also want to have a good time. They go through costume phases that are hilarious--the Murder Spitty Devils, tin foil robots, Arabs, aliens, and on this tour dirtbag heshers (which, I guess, isn't too much of a stretch). They also go through keyboard players like Spinal Tap went through drummers, so sometimes they're a three-piece, others they're the full four. I got in a few choice words with them while someone's girlfriend played a stupid video game in front of us. The Spits are Aaron on bass, Sean on guitar, Joe on Keyboards, and Wayne on drums. They've got a couple CDs, singles and comp tracks under their belt, and they currently reside in Seattle.

How did you get the tour lined up with Rocket from the Crypt?

John Reis approached us. The guys from Horizontal Action in Chicago, this crazy punk and porn 'zine, gave Mario, the drummer, a copy of our CD. And they liked it and offered us the slot.

Dee Lite? Or Dee Snyder?

No question there, Dee Snyder.

Iron Maiden or Black Sabbath?

Black Sabbath. But that one's tough. Iron Sabbath?

Alt country? Or metal rap?

What is art country? All those 45-year-old guys who think the Replacements are a country band? The Mekons would be considered alt country. I would have to go with metal rap, definitely. I do a really good metal rap song.

You guys do a good metal rap on the Dirtnap comp.

Would you say that's metal rap? That's more old school, like '76 old school.

Big pants or tight pants?

Tight big pants! The bigger the better. I like the big-pants right-shirt combo. I'm a big fan of that one. Joe likes the big pants because he can put a pork chop in there.

Who is Mark Spitz?

Isn't he the hockey player? No, he's the scientist. He's the keyboardist. He invented tin litho toys in the 1930s, Mark's Tin Toys. Who is Mark Spitz?

Olympic swimmer. Who's the worst pro skateboarder ever?

Your favorite worst? Or the worst? Tony Hawk? The favorite worst was Bill Danforth. He would do a coffin at a contest, and then some lame boardslide, and then tic-tac, and that was his thing. And he was shitfooted. A new worst favorite? Tony Hawk is kinda lame for doing a Doritos ad, but he's a family guy. Doesn't he do some tour with pro skaters on a bus? He's got a Down's Syndrome pro skater, don't he?

Free Gator or free Hosoi?

Gator? Hosoi? Gator, for killin' a bitch? I hate dumb bitches. I'll take a good smart bitch. What did Hosoi go down for? Drugs? What was it, smack? Meth? Hosoi was framed. That was a bum rap.

Quiz: Name five pros from the '70s, '80s, '90s, and currently.

Wow ... From the '70s? Alva, Stacy Peralta, Wentzle Ruml, Hackett, and Jay Adams, of course. Shogo Kubo, Duane Peters. The "80s--Tony Hawk, Mike McGill, John Grigley, Steve Olson. The '90s, Ray Barbee? What's Mario's last name? Rubalcaba? We can still do Tony Hawk, right? He was still skating. What about McGill? What about Ernest? Ernest goes to skate camp? And Chuck Treece, he was from the '80s. And the 21st century? Aw fuck, that's like asking me five new bands. What's that fag, isn't that guy Johnny Knoxville a pro skater? I can't name even one, Steve-O? And Bam? Bam is. Yep. And, um, there's a new Danny Way kid, like a little protege kid. Danny Way is still skating! I don't know. We're still doing boneless ones and footplants.

You guys skate stuff around here?

Not really, down to the liquor store. Street skating. Ballard skatepark.

What's a Spits show worth?

It's priceless, but you know, five to six bucks. Keep it cheap, so you can drink. Ten dollars total, if you're smart and you drink before the show then you have enough for two beers at the show. Ten dollar for a night out, that's pretty cheap. You keep asking those shitty questions and we'll keep feeding these good quotes.

What didn't I ask you?

Are there any real skatebands anymore?

Clay Wheels ...

... Yeah, that's true. I've heard of a few that I could actually skate to, but most of it is that hardcore shit. I don't like that hardcore shit. Duane Peters and the Hunns? Do the Epoxies skate? They rip. don't they? Roxy's got a lot of boneless-type moves. She gets shit-ass wasted and then she wants to go skate, and I tell her "Get yer fuckin' lips away from my face!" But she loves me and I love her back. What else? Can I say the New York Dulls are communist? Undermining the American way of life.

What do you want to say to the kids of America?

Drop out, skate, get laid while you can, love your mom. And the Spits owe Dan Brief an apology. Sorry, it was wrong and we apologize.
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Author:Lundry, Wez
Date:Nov 1, 2003
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