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The Razz: I'm going to marry Will Young; I can't live this lie any longer .. we're in love.

Byline: Chris Moyles

SORRY to disappoint you girls, but I'm proud to announce that I'm off the marriage market.

My childhood sweetheart Will Young popped the question this weekend - and we are set to wed before the end of the year.

I realise this will disappoint my many admirers, but I cannot live a lie any longer.

True or not, I think it's a great story.

Hello. My name's Chris Moyles and I'm your honorary Razz Boy for the day.

I said I'd do anything for Comic Relief and this was one of my better offers.

The Record have given me (well, the charity)a few grand to sit on my a ** e, drink lager and flirt with the Razz girls.

But hey, I'm entertaining people and saving lives. Actually, I'm pretty chuffed about the whole thing.

I've got a picture of the Razz girls on my bedroom wall from the last time I was in Scotland, switching on the Christmas lights in Inverness (I'm in the process of getting it laminated).

I wore a kilt during that visit (with black pants, just to keep everything in its place), but I decided to lay off this time in case people thought it was a bit twee.

Our Red Nose Rally began in John O' Groats, where I froze myb ***** ks off.

But hey, I'm saving lives.

The only thing I won't do for charity is what Rebecca Loos did on that farm.

I also refuse to strip down to my boxers and run along Glasgow's Broomielaw for pounds 2500, as suggested by some Smart Alec at the Record. Two and a half grand is a bit tight. I'd need at least fifty.

We're driving around the UK in a fleet of fancy cars - from the A-Team van to the Dukes of Hazzard's General Lee, a real petrol guzzler - and raising money along the way.

Right now Scotland is the place to be. The people here like a drink, like me, and there are mountains with snow on.

There was plenty of drink going down when I reached Glasgow's Queen Margaret Union for our charity pub quiz.

It was a top vehicle for my comedy expertise - - two hours of quality stand-up,even though I was sitting down with a pint.

I expected the night to be the best p ** s-up of the whole tour. And it didn't disappoint, especially because the Razz girls were on hand to ply me with booze.

The quiz was easy because I gave ridiculously obvious clues.

And if they didn't know who's No1in the album charts, they should read this page.

(See my opinion of this week's charts on the left).

Not everyone paid attention. If I wanted people not to listen while I was talking, I'd work for Virgin Radio.

After playing hands--free catch with Red Noses in the Green Room, Comedy Dave, Rachel, Chappers, producer WillNemone, Aled and the Razz girls all piled into the van for my exclusive after-show party. It was a tight fit but I didn't hear any complaints.

Back at the Malmaison bar, Bev and Cath showed me how to bea Razz Boy.

A few of my groupies tried to join in but I only had eyes for the Razz girls - nice pair.

They wouldn't stop flirting with me but hey it was in a good cause. I was saving lives. Comedy Dave and Chappers hit the sack early on but I was still high from my earlier gig.

A few other hotel guests insisted on buying us drinks. One guy even offered to cook us a meal in Air, wherever that is.

I had quite a laugh comparing my own boobs with Cath's and Bev's.

I kept taking pictures of them - remember, it's all saving lives.

At 5am, producer Will finally called time. I'm the boss really but we've still got to reach Land's End by Friday and I knew the Razz pages wouldn't write themselves.

So this is it. I don't care if you like this column or not.

People call me a fat b ***** d, but they're wrong. I'm actually a fat, rich b ***** d
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Mar 7, 2005
Words:688
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