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The Portadown News.

Byline: Newton Emerson

Faecal arboreal ursine allegation

by our bear correspondent, Smokey Robinson

BEAR defecation is widespread in forested areas across Northern Ireland, claims the first report from the International Monitoring Commission, which reached its shocking conclusions after

finding "lots of old newspaper and a very strong smell".

Those accused of dumping on the country include Adair Bear, Blair Bear, Bairbre de Bear and Grizzly Adams. Panda bears and Rupert bears were not questioned for security reasons.

"This society has reached a turning point," said IMC Chairman Lord Alderdice from his Balloo office yesterday. "Do we want to be care bears? Or do we want to be polarised bears? Now if you'll excuse me I have a cheque to cash."

On other pages:

Unusual papal headgear suspected ...p61

Blue tint found in upper atmosphere ...p62

UDA arrests "out of the question" ...p63

Ulster-Scots away-hae

by our Ulster-Scots correspondent, Jock Dole ULSTER-SCOTS Heid Yin Lord Laird has sensationally resigned in a row over funding. "We are a unique people, proud of our independence and integrity," said his Lordship yesterday. "That's why we want a hand-out for our pretend language, just like the other lot."

Belfast Tourism boost!

by our business correspondent, Reg Empty

BELFAST tourism is booming with an estimated 5.3 million visitors to the city last year, according to a survey conducted by people whose pounds 80,000-a-year jobs depend on talking this up.

The massive influx of implied

holidaymakers comprises:

Shoppers:

Commuters:

People from Lisburn:

Peace campaigners:

Direct rule ministers:

Arsonists:

Actual tourists:

2,600,000

1,200,000

600,000

900,000

50,000

12

7

Colombia 3 verdict due

by our Colombian correspondent, Charlie Mortar

EL VEREDICTO de la Colombia Tres es expected pronto.

"Los Three Amigos es inocentes," said Sinn Fein humano rights spokesman Catriona Moustachio yesterdia. "Es an blatant injusticia by PSNI muchachos y Branch Especial securocrate. Bastardos!"

El caso continua.

Crime and punishment in Northern Ireland

CUSTOMER NOTICE

Due to industrial action, you now have an excuse to stick it to the man by not buying a tax disk

Just remember that old cop trick about asking for your insurance

certificate instead, knowing full well you have to send it off with your

application. Good luck!

Yours in fraternal socialismTHE STRIKE COMMITTEE

NOT NEWS:

Dog bites man ...p64

NEWS:

Man throws dog ...p65

CAPTION(S):

A bear garden yesterday
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Apr 25, 2004
Words:396
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