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The Absolutely USELESS awards 2010.

It's that time of the year when we toast Bollywood's biggest blunders. Presenting trophies in categories you won't find at any regular filmy night.


Illustration: ARYA PRAHARAJ

Pathetic Psycho of the year


IN the fag end of the year came No Problem, a twohour load of absurdity. We'd have forgiven the bunch behind the film had it just been a bad shot at slapstick. The big problem about No Problem was Sushmita Sen's role in it.

Perhaps director Bazmee was trying to be hyperimaginative while penning Sush's role -- that of a schizophrenic housewife who charges murderously at hubby (played Anil Kapoor) in a bid to kill him once every day.

Bollywood stars are not quite known to be sensitive about portraying illness, especially in 'comedies'. Sush, probably driven by the fact that she has no films at hand right now, took insensitivity to a pathetic level, clearly in a bid to be part of a big project. Her act wasn't funny -- not even in a silly way. Look at the bright side. Even hardcore criminals will give up murder after watching the pathetic psycho act.

I-Me-Myself Guy of the year


AAMIR Khan sure takes the letter 'I' in his first name too seriously. If Bollywood ever had a master in the game of hogging limelight it has to be Aamir.

Just when you were celebrating Peepli [Live]going to the Oscars came a nasty Aamir-sized blow.

As producer of the film, he totally cut off director Anusha Rizvi from the picture -- at least, that's what Rizvi openly alleged.

She and her codirector hubby Mahmood Farooqui subsequently declared they had nothing to with their film's going to the Oscars because Aamir, they said, didn't want them in the picture.

Rizvi should have known. Or she should have asked Chetan Bhagat or Amol Gupte about which way the cookie crumbles when Aamir's baking the dish.

We have accepted Aamir as a Bollywood genius. So, why this fuss about landing in the 'I of the storm' every time?

Sissy of the year


ON Karan Johar's chat show, former Ranbir Kapoor squeezes Deepika Padukone and Sonam Kapoor seemed to be in the mood to take the mickey out of the chocolate hero's playboy ways. Asked what she'd like to gift Ranbir, Deepika said, "a box of condoms," even as Sonam giggled.

Which is all fine had the matter ended there. Or stopped with Ranbir's rejoinder quip where he thanked sexy Dee for her concern over safe sex.

The Kapoors, however, are a family that fights together. So papa Rishi charged in, growling all over in the media how it was a case of sour grapes for the two girls since stud beta had dumped both of them, and even hinted they haven't had the right nurturing.

Come on, Ranbir. Tell daddy you can fend for yourself. This is not quite what Gen Now fans want out of their hero.

Miser-Mouth of the year


THE Bachchan Bahurani sure doesn't like showering words of praise on anyone outside the khandaan. On K.Jo's Koffee couch, asked to comment on Aamir Khan, Ash's reply was as short as a text message: "He is good at what he does."

Duh? Thanks for telling us Aamir's good. It'd have been okay had Ash been so thrifty on compliments in general. But then, quiz her on one of the Bachchan Parivar, and you'll see the superlatives flow. We understand when Ash deservedly goes gushy over Papaji Bachchan.

Calling hubby Abhishek her "real Padma Shri" while she is "just his Shrimati" is also tolerable. What gives us the hiccups is her take on Aamir. The guy's taken us to the Oscars, Ash. And given us 3 Idiots, our biggest hit of all times.

Retro Dunce of the year


AFTER Action Replayy, somebody somewhere should have passed a law against retro flicks in Bollywood. Just what was Akshay Kumar trying to be, wearing a dunce wig and buck teeth in the film? Right, right, he was trying to play the fool. And act funny. The fact is, these days Akshay needn't don a funny retro wig to seem foolish. His choice of dud films has more than done that for him. If the idea was to depict the bumbler with a heart of gold in Action Replayy, Akshay ended up at the wrong end of the joke.

The act was far from funny, and the wig and teeth really embarrassed his fans -- especially those who dig retro fare.Akshay's has surely been the retro faux pas of the year. But then, what do you expect from a guy who's goofing up with regular, contemporary roles.

Fake Style Diva of the year


FOR most of the year we've gushed over Sonam Kapoor's style sense.

Notably, most of such talk cropped up around the release of Aisha, her daddy-produced fashion statement which was more about flaunting labels than serious acting. We have no problems about Sonam playing style diva, on or off off screen. You could say there's no big deal about flaunting imported labels with papa's moolah but then all star kids are doing that, right?

The trouble is style flies out of the window when Sonam opens her mouth to speak. It's one thing to exude attitude. It's quite something else to reveal an utter lack of etiquette when she is talking of seniors. Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan and Shobhaa De would know.

Hum Aapke Hain Koun pair of the year


NOW they are lovers, now they aren't. Shahid and Priyanka need to decide if they are really in love, and fast. We are not talking romantic bliss here, but a final decision on whether the two are indeed an item would rid the gossip glossies a lot of headache and newsprint too.

Over the past year or more, the two have coyly informed the paparazzi they are 'good friends' as all starry couples who have a scene going on are prone to do. And just when you started to believe Shahid's found the love of his life in the bE[logical not]te noir

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Publication:Mail Today (New Delhi, India)
Date:Dec 25, 2010
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