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The $25 million is mine.

OK, we got the bastard, but the announcement of his unearthing was delayed until DNA results could be verified, which begs a couple of questions like: How the hell did they get his DNA in the first place? And do we also have Osama bin Laden's and/or Mullah Omar's DNA? And how 'bout my DNA? Am I listed on some suspect reprobate database, as well?

Now I don't care if you're Beelzebub, the Dark Prince himself, it's nigh near impossible to look the least bit menacing with a tongue depressor stuck down your throat and anonymous rubber gloved hands rooting around your scalp for head lice. I can't wait for the footage of probes checking his pubes for crabs to emerge on the web. Destined to overtake Paris Hilton's bootleg video on the web hit list within a week.

Only problem with the humiliation of the hated one is perhaps we went a little too far, causing an involuntary "Aww, those mean soldiers are beating up grandpa." Hard to imagine this guy being able to commandeer an abandoned shopping cart, much less an imminent threat to destroy the peace of the planet.

Word is, the $25 million reward for the apprehension of Uday's dad won't be given out because we're broke. No, I mean because the crucial information concerning his location came from insurgents, which seems a mite convenient.

To be perfectly honest, the money should go to me.

Who kept saying Hussein was hiding out somewhere near Tikrit? That's right, I did.

And who further insisted he was ensconced underground?

Once again, moi.

Besides, think of the benefits: I would shoot through that $25 million in about a month, providing further pivotal momentum to a beleaguered Left Coast economy.

My favorite game is Who the Hell Said That? And I think we all can win this one. Who said, "Wal-Mart is the greatest thing that ever happened to low income Americans"?

A. W. Michael Cox, chief economist of the Federal Reserve Bank in Dallas.

B. W. Michael Cox, a man who obviously never tried to run a household on a minimum wage with little or no benefits.

C. W. Michael Cox, a man whose portfolio apparently includes absolutely no Kroger, Safeway, Jewel, or Albertson's stock.

D. All of the above.

Here are a few things I've been wishing for lately.

For Saddam Hussein: a guest appearance on one of Oprah's extreme makeover shows.

For Glen Campbell: a CD of Johnny Cash's Live from Folsom Prison, and a generous contract to remake it.

For Democratic Presidential candidate Howard Dean: less chuckling from Karl Rove.

For Halliburton: suspicious sealed-bid Iraq reconstruction contract awards in lieu of their recent suspicious no bid Iraq reconstruction awards.

For Osama bin Laden: a collection of Khyber Pass spider holes with a view, cbl & util included.

For California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger: a translation program that can explain why what he said he would do before the election and what he's done afterwards may seem totally different, but they're not really.

For Princess Diana: a single moment's peace, for Christ's sake.

For all members of our Armed Forces currently involved in this mission to extricate our oil from under their sand: a safe return, and yes, that does include our mine-sniffing dolphins.

Will Durst wonders whether the government has his perky undergraduate DNA or post-comedy-club-career liver infirmity DNA.
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Title Annotation:Off the Map
Author:Durst, Will
Publication:The Progressive
Geographic Code:7IRAQ
Date:Feb 1, 2004
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