Television quiz of the year.
1. After high-speed hanky-panky, a woman goes to collect her two-minute treat from the microwave. What is it?
2. Which product now has the country laddishly shouting 'Wasaaaaah!' at each other?
3. A furniture manufacturer gathers his entire staff, makes them undress and sniff each other's armpits, as proof of their honest, sweaty toil. Which company promotes this strange habit?
4. Which two rival supermarket giants bought up the services of actress Jane Horrocks and chef Jamie Oliver for their TV advertising campaigns this year?
5. The Imperial Cancer Research Fund ran an intensely disturbing ad campaign featuring three small girls, each with a label: 'Teacher', 'Lawyer', 'Cancer'. It was made more shockingly poignant because of the atmospheric song which accompanied it. Who sang the song?
6. It's a car factory and the machines go mad, painting swirls and makes wacky patterns on the cars as they pass. What car is this commercial selling?
7. A man sits on the stairs, talking on the telephone for so long that his hair and beard grow to phenomenal lengths. Which company was behind this ad?
8. A cool cat slips away from his doting elderly owner for a night on the town, where he captivates sassy women and demonstrates his break-dancing prowess. When he returns in the morning, his owner tuts: 'Oh Tom, have you been out chasing birds again?' But what has Tom been drinking to turn him into this babe-magnet?
9. Female discomfort featured in two commercials for beer. In one, a woman was squeezed into a wooden bikini; in the other a dishevilled and dazed female claimed to have seen the four horsemen of the apocalypse, but her man just tipped up his can and said: 'Well, it's not the end of the world.' Name the two products.
10. Geoffrey Hayes, blond bombshell from the old kids' show Rainbow, was dragged out of retirement to sing the praises of which Internet site offering investment advice?
1. Alison Steadman and Ruth Jones starred in ITV's Fat Friends, the latest splendid drama about girly matters from the pen of which writer?
2. After This Life, dramas about groups of university friends living in London is, apparently, de rigeur. In May, an ITV series concerned a group of Leeds graduates moving to the capital, including Louise Lombard as a financial journalist trying to cope with her deteriorating live-in relationship. Meanwhile over at the Beeb the same week there was a similar dramatic set-up, starring Dervla Kirwan as Emma, trying to cope with - erm - her deteriorating live-in relationship. And they say innovative fiction is dead. Name the two series.
3. Cor, Blimey! starred Samantha Spiro as an uncanny lookalike of which famous comic movie actress telling the story of her real-life love affair with her married co-star?
4. Happy Birthday Shakespeare, a BBC1 drama about a coach-driver's adulterous affair with his tour guide, got most of its publicity when it was revealed that the two actors were having their own adulterous affair. Name the smitten thespian pair - and the famously betrayed husband.
5. Which drama plumbed the surprisingly thrilling depths of Her Majesty's customs and excise department on ITV?
6. Which of the McGann brothers starred in Nature Boy, a BBC2 drama about a troubled boy who finds comfort in immersing himself in nature at the local wildlife reserve?
7. Which Cold Feet actor also starred in Playing the Field this year?
8. A former All Creatures Great And Small actor has progressed from four-legged patients to two-legged ones in a BBC daytime drama series called Doctors. Name him.
9. Denny, Shaz, Renee and Yvonne were all behind bars on ITV in the summer. But these girls weren't pulling pints. Where were they - and name the drama series.
10. 'Do I look like a murderer?' asked the caddish language teacher and moral bankrupt Edward in ITV's Dirty Tricks, before telling us how he went from poverty to riches via a couple of suspiciously opportune deaths, namely those of his wealthy wife and, before that, her husband. Who played Edward to perfection?
1. Which idle new mum told her equally idle family that the best thing about the new baby-listening device was that she didn't have to go upstairs when Baby David was crying, but could merely yell 'Shut up!' down the receiver?
2. Rob Brydon and Julia Davis played a range of odd and unhappy couples in a BBC2 series of spoof documentaries. Name the series.
3. Richard Briers made a brave attempt at a Scottish accent for his role as a country landowner in this drama series, but the famous painting of the same name was, arguably, more funny. Name the series.
4. Which new impersonator made a Big Impression on BBC1 in the spring with his amusing and uncanny take-offs of everyone from Prince Charles and Alan Titchmarsh to Nigel Havers?
5. Which ex-Coronation Street actress turned into a legal eagle in BBC 1's Chambers - and which former EastEnder moved out to the country with her spivvy millionaire hubby in ITV's Up Rising?
6. Which surreal comedy drama series featured Pete Postlethwaite as a convict trying to turn over a new leaf by getting a job as an undertaker?
7. In At Home With The Braithwaites, what was the big secret which Alison was trying to keep from both her husband and the national press?
8. Dr Hook - a general practitioner rather than an ageing rock band - was played by Peter Egan in which sitcom series which also starred Jemma Redgrave?
9. Ardal O'Hanlon - better-known as the naive Dougal in Father Ted - threw off his cassock in favour of wearing the Lycra tights of a similarly simple-minded superhero, Thermoman who, sadly, struggled to come to terms with normal life in this BBC1 comedy series. What was it called?
10. James Bolam teamed up with Robson Green in an ITV comedy drama about a young Newcastle solicitor who takes over the legal practice of his friend (Bolam) while he is incarcerated in a mental hospital. Name the series.
1. Sexually adventurous women always pay the ultimate price in soaps. Which longstanding Emmerdale character met her sticky end after taking up with a young lover, and which Brookside siren discovered the fatal dangers of staircases?
2. Who was arrested on suspicion of being a flasher in Coronation Street?
3. Which pious rural fellow found his prayers answered when he woke up in the arms of a pretty parishioner called Bernice?
4. Who snatched Sarah-Louise's baby in Coronation Street?
5. There's nothing sadder than a soap-dupe, is there? Which EastEnder was fooled when his classy fiancee Vanessa fled the country, having nicked his mate's life-savings? And which Corrie veteran was nearly fleeced out of pounds 35,000 by the woman he fell for?
6. Which upper-crust sex-bomb raised male pulses when she abandoned the Riviera to return to the windswept joys of Beckindale?
7. Which two Brooksiders ended up having a lesbian romp and which unlikely femme fatale had a confrontation with her two lovers in EastEnders?
8. Which Corrie couple tied the knot on Christmas Eve? And a few doors down, whose wedding plans were on - then almost instantly off again?
9. Which schoolgirl made a granny of Pauline Fowler in EastEnders?
10. Who wrote a book on the history of Weatherfield and during his researches came up with the bizarre idea that Fred Elliott might have been a serial killer?
1. Two old TV stalwarts popped their clogs within a week of each other. One could hardly believe it when he got run over, the other had a heart attack, which meant crime-solving in Oxford has been set back incalculably. Name the two deceased TV legends.
2. Which TV puppet adventure series is enjoying another wave of popularity - and which pair of indecipherable pre-school puppets from the 1950s are due to make a comeback with their flowery friend, with no strings attached this time?
3. Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore and Lucy Liu are the new movie versions of which TV detective trio?
4. One set of strangers was stranded by the BBC on a remote Scottish island - but their conflicts paled into insignificance when Channel 4 did a similar thing and put ten people into a house over the summer. Name the two fly-on-the-wall series.
5. Judith Keppel hit the headlines in November when she scored a first and became unbelievably wealthy in one night. How?
6. Which historian's manner captivated audiences as he explored the Spanish extermination of South American Indians in BBC2's Conquistador?
7. Who tells hapless individuals: 'You are the weakest link, goodbye' ?
8. There was controversy and accusations of dumbing-down when Panorama appointed a new presenter better known for her fluffy good looks. Who was she?
9. What method did Channel 5 adopt in the summer to boost its ratings? Here's a clue: Keith Chegwin had viewers reaching for their sick-buckets. . .
10. Which former presenter died of a drugs overdose this autumn?
Answers: TV Quiz
1. Heinz Microwave Soup.
2. Budweiser beer.
4. Tesco (Horrocks) and Sainsbury's (Oliver). 5. Cat Stevens.
6. The Citroen Xsara Picasso.
7. BT - trying to promote their Talk Together service. 8. Bacardi Breezer.
9. (a) Pedigree Beer. (b) Foster's Lager. 10. Virgin money dot com.
1. Kay Mellor.
2. (a) Metropolis.
(b) Hearts and Bones.
3. Barbara Windsor (her lover was Sid James).
4. Neil Morrissey and Amanda Holden. Les Dennis is the husband she cheated on.
5. The Knock.
6. Paul McGann.
7. James Nesbitt.
8. Christopher Timothy.
9. They were in a prison drama called Bad Girls.
10. Martin Clunes.
1. Denise Royle (played by Caroline Aherne) in The Royle Family.
2. Human Remains.
3. Monarch of the Glen.
4. Alistair McGowan.
5. Sarah Lancashire. Michelle Collins.
6. The Sins.
7. That she was a lottery millionaire.
8. Cry Wolf.
9. My Hero.
10. Close and True.
1. Sarah Sugden and Susannah Farnham.
2. Les Battersby in Coronation Street.
3. Ashley Thomas in Emmerdale.
4. Alison, whose own baby had died.
5. Barry (EastEnders) and Jim (Coronation Street).
6. Emmerdale's own Lady Chatterley, Lady Tara Thornfield, returned.
7. Jackie Corkhill and Shelley Bower in Brookside. Pat Butcher in EastEnders.
8. Curly and Emma. Fred and Audrey.
9. Sonia Jackson, who got careless on a one-night stand with young Martin Fowler.
10. Ken Barlow.
1. Victor Meldrew and Inspector Morse.
2. Thunderbirds and Bill and Ben.
3. Charlie's Angels.
4. Castaway 2000 and Big Brother.
5. She was the first person to win pounds 1 million in Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
6. Michael Wood.
7. Anne Robinson, host of the BBC's hit quiz show The Weakest Link.
8. Mariella Frostrup.
9. Channel 5 got its kit off for a Naked Season - including a very porky, pink Cheggers.
10. Paula Yates.
Answers to the Cryptic Christmas Crossword - compiled by Rufus - which appears on Page 43
1 Mistletoe; 5 Christmastime anag; 12 Mincemeat anag; 19 Needle; 20 Ebenezer Scrooge; 21 Ra-is-in; 22 R-oast; 25 Rimed (rhymed) 28 Eagle 30 (Festivi)Tie(s); 32 (S)Led(ge); 33 Abel-E; 34 (descri)Bes s(now); 36 Toys; 39 Stephen anag; 43 F(a)ir; 46 Wee; 48 Lantern; 52 Carol-singer; 53 Shepherds; 57 (T)he N(ativity); 58 E.g.-G; 59 Pantomime anag; 63 Besom (carried by snowmen; used in sport of curling); 66 Christmas; 67 Layman anag; 68 Red sky; 69 Wenceslas; 70 L-Aden; 72 Corkscrew; 75 Label; 77 Three anag; 79 Boxing Day; 83 Son-G-s; 84 Antler; 89 Now-ell; 92 Gift-wraps; 94 Chestnuts; 97 Ali Baba; 98 (ht)Era(zaN); 100 W-ass-ail; 101 Reindeer; 102 S-wind-led; 103 Scene (seen); 104 (fo)R a p(arty);105 Piste anag.
1 Mince pies; 2 Sleighs (slays); 3 (th)E ver(se); 4 (Co)O.K.-ra(rely); 6 (t)He el(der); 7 Ice Age; 8 Treats; 9 Ass-Ist; 10 Turkey; 11 M.O.-oD; 13 (wh)Ite m(arzipan); 14 Card; 15 Easter-N; 16 Tangerine anag; 17 Yet-I; 18 Here; 23 Oath anag; 24 stuN; 26 I'd-oL; 27 Even; 29 Eve; 31 Elf; 32 (S)Lee(t); 33 Ace; 34 Brandy; 35 Snowballs; 37 Ornaments anag; 38 S-wee-ts; 40 Top; 41 Pie; 42 (t)En d(ays); 44 Ice; 45 Asks; 47 erG; 49 Aga(inst); 50 Tot; 51 Rim(E); 54 Error; 55 Hosts; 56 Rum; 60 NuN; 61 OD-eon; 62 I'd-led; 64 (M)En a(re); 65 (Melchi)Or e(njoyed); 71 D-Inn-er; 72 Charade; 73 (srek)Car(c); 74 Etui; 76 A-do-ring; 78 Episode anag;
80 O.M.-it; 81 Inn; 82 Yule-log; 85 Tails; 86 elaT-E; 87 Spree; 88 Chain; 90 Oasis; 91 E-r-ase; 92 Game; 93 Fir-M; 95 Un-do; 96 swaP; 98 (b)Err(ies); 99 (Christm)As p(arty).
TV favourites - Which supermarket is using Jamie Oliver in its advertising campaigns? Ardal O'Hanlan leaves Father Ted behind and, far right, the stars of Cold Feet