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Tam Cowan: I'd loved to have seen Macca get chance to do breaststroke with Caprice and Brigitte; BIG BROTHER CHIEFS' BOOB.

Byline: Tam Cowan

DAY THREE in Celebrity Big Brother house and two vital ingredients are missing - celebrities (hands up if you've heard of Bez or Kenzie) and Frank McAvennie.

Cruelly snubbed by Channel 4 bosses, Macca must be tearing out his peroxide blond hair, particularly if he tuned in to the first instalment on Thursday and saw Brigitte Nielsen and Caprice sharing a hot tub.

Before you could say 'up periscope', he would have dived head first into the whirl-pool before practising his breaststroke.

And its anyone's guess just how many lengths he would have managed.

Sadly, though, despite the fact he's something of aTV veteran - credits include Top Gear,Who's Line Is It Anyway and Treasure Hunt - Macca didn't get the nod on this occasion.

Talk about a double whammy? As you may recall, he also got a knockback from I'm A Celebrity.. Get Me Out Of Here as the producers feared an embarrassing mix-up when it came to the Bushtucker Trials.

Still, for the sake of Macca's health, it's probably just as well he wasn't invited into the Big Brother House. A few days in the company of the extremely buxom Ms Nielsen and he might have suffocated.

There would have been other dangers. After being locked up in a house for a fortnight, who's to say the sex-mad soccer legend wouldn't have started taking a shine to John McCririck's sideburns?

I originally thought Macca would have hit it off with campaigning feminist Germaine Greer - both are all for women burning their bras - but that was until the 65-year-old Aussie revealed she doesn't wear underwear and sleeps in the nude.

Aye, I think you're better off where you are, Macca.

Celebrity Big Brother without McAvennie is almost as disappointing as an Old Firm derby without Neil Lennon. And, due to suspension, that's exactly what's on the cards tomorrow.

What a shame. Like a Carry On film minus Sid James, it just won't be the same without him. Can't the SFA postpone this Scottish Cup clash until the Celtic midfielder is once again available for selection?

One of the Old Firm clubs will be bumped out of the competition so what a fantastic opportunity for one of the so-called 'wee teams' to strut their stuff at the Hampden final in May.

Many people are tipping Tony Mowbray's exciting young Hibs side as an outside bet lift the trophy and it's fair to say they're overdue a win.

Last time they won the Scottish Cup, they paraded it down Easter Road on an open-top horse-drawn carriage.

Even if Hibs reach the final, a crack at Such was the excitement and sense of occasion that even construction workers putting the finishing touches to Edinburgh Castle were given the afternoon off.

Europe is almost guaranteed. By the same token, European football will perhaps be on the mind of Aberdeen fans as they travel to Gayfield to face Arbroath.

Yes, if these ferocious gales keep up, they'll probably play the second-half in Norway.

Cup upsets? I fancy Partick Thistle to shock John Robertson's Hearts and have a feeling that Kilmarnock might manage a consolation goal against Motherwell. But if we are talking about a real upset, I suppose we can only once again reflect on Celebrity Big Brother snubbing McAvennie.

Come on, Channel 4, surely it's time to put that trademark toothy grin back on Macca's coupon.

What about offering him a part in Desperate Housewives?

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COME ON DOWN: Frank McAvennie would have gone to any length to join Caprice and Brigitte in the tub
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Title Annotation:Sport
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jan 8, 2005
Words:594
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