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TV Watch: She's so pretty, oh so pretty ...vacant.

IT would have been easier just to mock, but I decided to approach Being Caprice (Channel 4, Friday) with an open mind.

It was the least I could do, considering Caprice's own mind is so open eco-warriors want the space between her ears to be declared a National Park.

Those of you who didn't see the programme might say that was a cheap shot at a sweet innocent girl trying to make an honest buck. Those of you who did, might still chide me for trying to make the supermodel look stupid...but only because you know she managed to do it far better than I ever could.

"For 10 days Caprice wore a concealed camera," we were told as our heroine went about her business. The Press release explained this was a tiny micro- camera fitted into her glasses, but I'm willing to bet they could have strapped a whacking Super 8 to her forehead and she wouldn't have spotted it.

Think I'm being unkind? Well, this is the woman whose first words were to her driver telling him she was giving him her keys because she'd be so "s***faced" later she'd lose them.

The woman who then told how she'd always wanted to sleep around and be a tart and who announced "my publicist has made a statement for me," as if an inability to speak for herself was something to be proud of.

Oh, and the woman who couldn't fathom out how to eat one of those Mueller Fruit Corners, giving us another insight as to why models are so thin.

In her defence Caprice did manage to clean her teeth and peel a banana, but then she let it all slip again when faced with the Krypton Factor-like task of putting sugar in tea.

When her actions weren't letting her down her mouth took over. She obviously spent too much time with Tony Adams because she'd picked up his annoying habit of referring to oneself in the third person.

We heard how CAPRICE had been told not to sign autographs as "it devalued the value of CAPRICE's autograph" and she constantly referred to CAPRICE's World. She didn't give a grid reference, but I'll bet it's in the clouds somehere.

One thing I do know about Caprice's World is that time doesn't matter. It might explain why this 10-day experiment included Caprice telling us it was Valentine's Day (February 14) and then showing up at the Brit Awards - March 3.

That means the producers were either fibbing or Caprice didn't know what day it was. What- ever. Caprice had better things to do. Like treating us to a tasteful glimpse in her knicker drawer and letting us join her on a trip to the toilet.

Luckier still, we saw her nip to the launderette and the local newsagent where she bought a cheese sandwich. No pickle.

That jaunt proved me wrong. Earlier when she'd said of adverse reaction to her career "I've never in my life seen so much cynicism," I had been thinking "you obviously don't get out much, love."

WHEN Head On Comedy (BBC1, Thursday) chairperson Jo Brand announced "This house wants to be a man" I thought steady on, Jo - get the woman bit out of the way first.

This show is a good laugh, despite the fact that it's basically loads of comics using the debating format as a thinly disguised excuse to do their well-worn stand-up routines.

Bill Bailey was the pick of the bunch with his highly convincing argument hingeing on the fact that while history was full of great male poets, the best women have come up with is this from Pam Ayres - "I wish I'd looked after me teeth."

Although Bill did let the side down by fiddling with his organ throughout the show.

But hey, that's men for you

MATTHEW Kelly manfully - and that's never easy for him - tried to grin and bear it through Hotel Getaway (ITV, Saturday) but I could tell he hated it despite the gold lame set.

It's the old candid camera idea as couples were secretly filmed at a nightmare hotel to see who'd check out first.

It all proved that we Brits still accept lousy service - which is good news for ITV.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Hyland, Ian
Publication:Sunday Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jul 16, 2000
Words:711
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