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TV PLUS; What a blunderful WORLD!

Going back to the future was the idea when Tomorrow's World looked over its 33 years of uncovering inventions.

It was a far better idea than some of the gadgets remembered on the TW Time Machine.

Some were real stoatirs... stoating quickly into oblivion.

The ordinary rubber plant was claimed to act as a TV aerial. Probably it gave a decent picture only for The Beechgrove Garden.

Then there was the tanning device which looked like a big cludgie. Open the doors, however, and it became a three-sided sun trap, with the walls covered in cooking foil.

Cheaper than a week in Benidorm, admittedly, but who wants to spend their holidays in a Raeburn?

Or how about the kitchen steps which turned into an ironing board? It certainly couldn't take steps to iron ladders out of tights!

Here's another cracker - a musical instrument called the kaleidophone. This waste of space was "the marriage of a violin and a plastic drainpipe" - and sounded like it.

Don't forget the paper shirt. Designed for women, it couldn't, obviously, have been made from a Sunday Male, but any time it rained, the wearers would have had plenty of Observers.

My favourite, though, was the Tilting Train. We've all seen plenty of elbow-tilting on a train, especially heading for the coast on Fair Friday.

But the Advanced Passenger Train was the 60s invention which was going to put the Great back into Britain. A money-spinning investment, a big export earner.

It was designed to lean over going round corners, letting it reach incredibly high speeds (standing at the bar or visiting the toilet must have been interesting).

After years of expensive trials, the APT made a much-publicised run from Glasgow to London in 1981. Hey, it got all the way to Carstairs before breaking down!

That was it. British Rail executive David Rollin decided it was time this rollin' stock hit the buffers.

But as soon as Britain sidelined the idea, it was turned into a success by Italy, Germany and Sweden, and 10 foreign firms are now trying to sell the train back to the place that invented it!

Crazy? One Flew Over The Choo-Choo's Nest...

Heavens above! It's the Loon Army

WHEN the superb but very chilling documentary The Cult examined that Heaven's Gate mob, a bizarre home video showed them preparing for "the level above human".

Then the nutters topped themselves.

Before their mass suicide in January, loony-in-chief Doh (as in Doh-nut?) ordered them to give up sex.

Some were castrated, so death was probably the easy option.

Sadly, if Heaven's Gate is as unhinged as that homosexual halfwit Doh, they'd never get it open.

Cat's just THE LIMIT

ACTRESS Holly Hunter did a fine job when In The Wild sent her to Africa to look at the plight of the cheetah. She found even a scientist who keeps one as a pet. All I could think of was a burglar's face if he sneaked in and tripped over the cat basket...

Well, aisle BE DAMNED

WHAT fun in Neighbours as Harold, taking his wedding vows with Madge (again) begs: "Don't let me say anything foolish this time." I'd suggest that not saying "I do" would have been a good piece of advice...

Stud-y in sexpots

IF every farm girl looked like this, there would be more red-blooded males than black-faced sheep roaming the countryside.

Not that actress Anna Brecon could be called your average rustic - her upmarket Emmerdale character Tara Cockburn is likely to be seen in Harvey Nicks than Nicky Tams.

Tara brings needle into the haystack territory, trying to outwit superbitch Kim over a stud farm. With all the sexy goings-on, viewers might think the entire community is a stud farm.

Even the weenies are getting into the (carnal) act, with four of them bouncing around at a mini-orgy. Who said country life was dull?





4...............Extreme Measures


6...................In Love and War

7................That Thing You Do

8....................The Frighteners

9...................First Wives Club



WOW - a barrowload of rasps to Channel 4 for all the swearing in the play, The Granton Star Cause. Mrs A. Black, of Ayr, wrote: "I've never heard such offensive language. It was a disgrace." And J. Jackson, of Helensburgh, added: "The sex was bad enough but the swearing would have made a sailor blush. You don't hear this at a football match!"

ROSES go to the series Undercover Customs. "These dramatised events of real-life are more exciting than fiction," writes Edinburgh fan, George O'Hara. "I'm on edge every week."

THIS LIFE: I feel bereaved now it's finished. How are we going to survive till the next series? - Jean Barrie, Oban.

PILGRIM'S REST: If this is modern comedy, give me repeats I can laugh at. The Likely Lads, Bilko, Hancock and Yes, Prime Minister, for instance. - Mrs Sheila Telfer, Sanquhar.

CYBILL: Here's a show which is what many British sitcoms are not... funny. - Catherine Renton, Edinburgh.

PIE IN THE SKY: There's no way that overweight detective-chef Henry Crabbe should be so attractive, but he is. - Mrs A. McNeill, Stirling.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Robinson, Scott
Publication:Sunday Mail (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Aug 10, 1997
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