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THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : CALL IT OUR `ODE TO THE NFL'.

We sat on the porch pickin' the guitar Sunday, thinking about that big ol' empty Coliseum. Some say this could be a blues song. We're not so sure.

We just know it goes sumthin' like this . . .

We have no team, no team have we

It's been this way, since when? Year Three!

We have no team, no team have we

And we're as giddy as can be.

The Rams and Raiders - au revoir!

Remember how you'd barely draw?

So we were punished - unusual and cruel,

By this obnoxious thing called the blackout rule.

It's not as if we purposely abstained,

It's just we had our priorities pre-arranged.

So Georgia split; Big Al U-turned,

It left many to wonder how L.A. got burned.

Was it something we said? Were we really that mean?

In the past when we burned, we used more sunscreen.

The thing not to do was sit and cry

But turn on the tube, give it a try.

Lo and behold, did our eyes deceive us?

It's Howie and Bradshaw - or is it Butt-head and Beavis?

Then came the games - two on at one time!

Did someone forget the teams we're assigned?

Oh, that's right! We're clear! We have no restrictions,

We can watch what we want, fulfill our convictions.

The Packers, the Niners, the Broncos, too.

They can become our home teams anew.

The Giants, the Bears, the Steelers, the Bills,

Any of them, we can watch them at will.

Are we stuck when the Rams go off to face Baltimore?

Forget the Ravens. Nevermore!

And as for the Seahawks, the Colts and the Bucs

You're not relocating here, go unpack your trucks.

You see, we have no team, no team have we

And if you wonder, why our glee?

We have no team, no team have we,

'Cause it's still pretty great to watch our TV.

Here's the quote, figure out who said it: ``You want a girl who is there to please you. And if you satisfy her in the process, so much the better.'' Charlie Sheen? Way off. Try Mike Piazza, page 48 of the October issue of Penthouse Magazine, which definitely won't be a Dodgers giveaway to kids under 14. The Piazza Q-and-A also includes his takes on tax cuts, abortion, gun control - all the stuff you've already heard him kick around with Rick Monday on the Dodgers' pregame show . . .

Grunt three times before you answer the next question, Mr. Sensitivity . . .

Long as we're flippin' through this smutrag that we paid $5.99 for - man, it's gotta be the nastiest thing since a Bruce Sutter split-finger fastball - how 'bout the Penthouse football experts picking the 20 worst college football teams. We'll go bottomless and just look at the top half: 1. Duke; 2. Nevada-Las Vegas (USC's opponent Sept. 20); 3. Rutgers; 4. Texas-El Paso; 5. Oregon State; 6. New Mexico State (which CSUN pounded last year); 7. Indiana; 8. Temple; 9. SMU; 10. Maryland . . . OK, if you're peeking, Cal's at No. 17 . . .

We appreciate all the work Fred ``The Waiver Wire Wonder'' Claire has done for the Dodgers since the end of the trading deadline, finding more loopholes than the knitting circle at the Van Nuys Retirement Home. Wouldn't surprise us either if Claire picked up a few votes for the league's Player of the Month for August . . .

We're sure the fact Claire is acting more like a free agent in his option year than the players he's been scooping up has nothing to do with the fact the new ownership has probably been scrutinizing his performance as it considers giving the GM job to a certain garlic-breath Hall of Famer . . .

OK, we give up, how many Florida State football players does it take to screw up a program? . . .

L.A. puck fans have two last chances to pucker up with Wayne Gretzky before his pending retirement. Priority seating for the N.Y. Rangers ``Sufferin' in SoCal'' Tour include stops Feb. 4 at the Pond and Feb. 5 at the Forum, where they might as well retire No. 99 next to Nos. 30, 18 and 16 and get it over with . . .

This Dave Taylor-made Kings team has legitimate reason to believe it's a playoff contender. Now fess up to the real reason why the Kings reacquired Luc Robitaille. Was it to get a break in the rent at the Iceoplex? . . .

CAPTION(S):

Photo

PHOTO A dreadful way to end it: Carl Lewis ran his last competitive race Tuesday when he anchored a U.S. team in the 4x100 meter at the ISTAF Golden Four meet in Berlin, but you could forgive the German fans if they thought they were congratulating someone else when Lewis came over to say goodbye. What's up with the dreads, Carl? Aren't those aerodynamically hazardous?

Associated Press
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Title Annotation:SPORTS
Publication:Daily News (Los Angeles, CA)
Date:Sep 1, 1997
Words:799
Previous Article:IN THE END, DIANA SUCCEEDED IN WINNING THE PEOPLE'S HEARTS.
Next Article:A SIDEWAYS GLANCE : AND BRADSHAW DIDN'T EVEN GHOSTWRITE IT.


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