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Sunken living room - sounds great.

SUNKEN LIVING ROOM-SOUNDS GREAT

"Boy, have I got a house for you,' the realtor said, thumbing through the Homes book. "This Mrs. Clean with Earth Tones throughout has Curb Appeal plus. It's definitely not a Drive-by.'

Since my confused start into house hunting, I have become knowledgeable on realtor's lingo and translating the descriptions in the Homes book. Let me put it this way--we have had our realtor so long that we have had to put her on retainer. I have seen her entire wardrobe for every season of the year, and my kids now call her "aunt.'

On the day the doorknob on a Cream Puff home fell off in my hand, I decided realtor terms needed to be defined and translated for the whole world. So, to help you in any house hunting, I have composed a list of these terms and their translations.

Near transportation--It's on the glide path.

Charming--Cheap.

Must see to appreciate--Inside of the house is nice, but it looks like the house from Psycho outside.

Doll house--It's only big enough for Ken and Barbie.

Builder's own house--The first house he ever built--his practice house, which he is living in temporarily until his real house is built.

Prestigious address--The house is nothing, but it's in a good part of town.

Won't last long--First puff of wind will knock it over.

Convenient to school--The school band marches in back of the house.

Handyman's special--Ten kids proficient at terrorist tactics lived there, and the house needs complete restoration.

Wooded lot--Two trees, at least five feet tall.

Heavily wooded lot--Three trees, one of which is good-sized.

Owner motivated--Wants to unload his Amityville horror.

Rustic beauty--Old farmhouse in the country, ten miles from nowhere.

Rustic log--No inside plumbing.

Restored farmhouse--Has indoor plumbing.

Country atmosphere--Downwind from the barns.

Old World charm--An old heat gobbler in the city.

Stately Victorian--Former funeral home.

Mint condition--They didn't have any kids.

One of a kind--It was so ugly, the neighbors wouldn't let them build another one.

On the water--Has a basement full of water.

Owner anxious--The termites are on the march.

Nature lover's delight--Many skunks in the area.

Decorated by the lady of the house--Everything is either pink or yellow.

Overlooks golf course--Picture window is broken frequently.

Decorated in earth tones--The mudslide marks are still on the walls.

Quiet location--Next to a cemetery.

Sunken living room--Not originally sunken--a recent event.

Exclusive area--Near the stockyards.

Wooded privacy--In mudslide area.

Country charm--Near Three Mile Island.

Wooded retreat--Near wastetreatment plant.

Victorian beauty--Just vacated by a madam, and next to a motorcycle gang's hideout.

Water lover's special--In the flood plain.

Handyman's special--Near the dump.
COPYRIGHT 1985 Saturday Evening Post Society
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 1985 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:satire
Author:Jehn, Judy
Publication:Saturday Evening Post
Date:May 1, 1985
Words:436
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