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Stone me! You must be potty if you think drugs should be legalised!

Q I UNDERSTAND that, for many years, you have been a staunch campaigner for the decriminalisation or legalisation of cannabis and other drugs. You are a dangerous idiot and a menace to society. People like you should be arrested and thrown into jail for encouraging people to take drugs.

A I ALWAYS find it depressing when I discover yet another entirely decerebrate individual among my readers. What a pity it is that the world is so full of people like you - witless buffoons who are driven entirely by a lethal mixture of total ignorance and blind bigotry. And what a tragedy it is that so many people like you are allowed to vote and even acquire positions of power in our society.

If you had a functioning brain in your skull you would know that I have consistently warned against the unnecessary use of any sort of drug. I believe that there are much better ways to expand the mind than by using any chemical substance. In my view only the unimaginative and intellectually deprived need to take drugs in order to expand their minds.

I realise that facts and evidence are unfashionable among the judiciary and something of a mystery to politicians but my campaign for the decriminalisation of illegal drugs such as cannabis is based on the certain knowledge that if the drugs war were abandoned there would be far fewer people taking such drugs. Anyone who fights for or supports the drugs war is, through ignorance, helping to increase the size of the problem.

Q I RECENTLY discovered that a man in my office is gay. I am not happy about working with this man. Homosexuality is unnatural and an offence to God. I asked my employer to move this person to another department but he refused. What other action do you suggest?

A BEND over at the waist so that your head passes between your thighs. Look around for the nearest aperture. Close your eyes and push your head into the opening. Keep pushing until you entirely disappear.

Les Pleigh-Hayden-Sikh, the impressively hirsute inventor of the Abracada Bra (slogan: "It boosts your cleavage as if by magic") has done extensive research into homosexuality. He tells me that men such as yourself who are absurdly offended by homosexuality are invariably masochists and repressed homosexuals. I strongly suspect, therefore, that you may obtain a considerable amount of pleasure from the exercise I have suggested.

Q I LIVE in a flat and work in the city. I am being driven mad by noisy and thoughtless neighbours. I have tried talking to them but they simply do not seem to understand what I am saying to them.

I have to spend two hours a day travelling to the place where I work and the journey each way is also driving me potty. If things go on as they are at the moment I think I may kill someone soon.

A MUCH stress is caused by overcrowding and noise - both problems which are created by and commonplace within modern cities. Noise is particularly exhausting. The conscious effort required not to hear noise can be debilitating. We have changed our world but our needs and our frailties have not changed. If you find it difficult to cope with city life then I strongly suggest that you make a move to a more rural area.

Q MY husband and I are keen to try something new. Our sex life has been a bit disappointing recently. I had an orgasm last May and my husband had one in September but apart from that 1996 wasn't too thrilling. What exactly is "forbidden sex"? What do we have to do? Is it hazardous? Can anyone get hurt? Do we need any special equipment?

A FOR the in-depth, bottom line low-down on forbidden sex ring 0839 446 645 (charges as for my other Helplines). This number is only suitable for adults who are not of a nervous disposition. Please do not pass this number on to anyone of a sensitive nature. Maiden aunts, church wardens, Vauxhall drivers and estate agents may find it all far too exciting by half.

Q MY parents are terrible to me. They seem to take great pleasure in putting me down. And yet when they are with other people they seem gentle, kind and thoughtful. I can't understand it.

A MOST unkindness - and most downright cruelty - comes not from strangers but from within the family. And within most families it is the relationship between parents and children which is the one most likely to cause emotional and mental distress. Problems arise because parents often invest far too much of themselves in their children. The fact is that parenthood alone is not enough for any thinking, creative individual. The man or woman who has nothing but parenthood to sustain them is bound to feel frustrated.

Mothers who claim to have sacrificed their lives for their children usually make the greatest demands when it comes to emotional repayments. Their selfishness frequently creates guilt and shame in their children - and leaves them failing to understand why their children do not seem to love them.

There is no easy answer to your problem. If you can persuade your parents to treat you as a grown-up with a life of your own then you may be able to rebuild your relationship with them. But this is probably a long shot.

Sadly, the chances are that your relationship will remain distant. But don't allow unjustified guilt to affect your enjoyment of life.

QI DISAGREE with your comments calling for a total ban on guns. I own two guns and do not intend to give them up for anyone.

AANYONE who owns a gun is, by definition a homicidal, psychopathic maniac. And homicidal, psychopathic maniacs should, of course, be banned from owning guns. End of argument. I win, you lose.

QYOU abuse your power and position by constantly giving us your opinions. If you wish to keep your readers you should keep your opinions to yourself - or, better still, make more of an effort to see both sides to the issues you write about.

AIF I got rid of all my natural passion and became chameleon-like in my views, endlessly spouting banal, hollow and meaningless nothings in the style of the late Peter Sellers parodying a politician then I could (and to be honest I shudder at the thought) perhaps become a member of the New Labour party.

I prefer to retain my passions, even if this means losing friends. It was Lewis Carroll who once pointed out that: "If you limit your actions in life to the things that nobody can possibly find fault with you will not do much."


LAUGHTER really is a wonderful medicine.

A book which makes you smile - and helps you forget your problems - can help you physically, mentally and spiritually.

Here is a list of the funniest books ever written. If you can't find any of these in your local bookshop try your nearest public library.

1. Three Men In A Boat (Jerome K Jerome); 2. Bill The Conqueror (PG Wodehouse); 3. The Beast In Me (James Thurber); 4. Don't Ask (Donald E Westlake); 5. Clochemerle (Gabriel Chevallier); 6. How To Be An Alien (George Mikes); 7. Riotous Assembly (Tom Sharpe); 8. Around The World Backwards And Sideways (Robert Benchley); 9. We Are Still Married (Garrison Keillor) 10. French Leave (PG Wodehouse).

11. Writings From The New Yorker (EB White); 12. Parliament Of Whores (PJ O'Rourke); 13. The Diary Of A Nobody (George and Weedon Grossmith); 14. Young Men In Spats (PG Wodehouse); 15. The Swiss Family Perelman (SJ Perelman); 16. One Upmanship (Stephen Potter); 17. Don Camillo And The Prodigal Son (Giovanni Guareschi); 18. Catch 22 (Joseph Heller); 19. The Letters of Alexander Woollcott (Alexander Woollcott); 20. Three Men On The Bummell (Jerome K Jerome).

21. 1066 And All That (WC Sellar and RJ Yeatman); 22. The Art Of Coarse Sport (Michael Green); 23. Major Thompson Lives In France (Pierre Daninos); 24. England Their England (AG Macdonell); 25. I Never Danced At The White House (Art Buchwald).


TWO weeks ago I asked readers to write to Tony Blair reminding him that before the election he had promised to stop hunting on Forestry Commission and Ministry of Defence land.

I then sent copies of my column and the letter I had received from Elliot Morley MP - now Minister for Fisheries and the Countryside - to every MP in Britain. Many MPs have already written to offer their support. Here are just three of scores of supportive replies I received:

Paul Flynn MP (Newport West): "I intend to raise this matter through a Parliamentary Question and letter and am most grateful to you for keeping me fully informed."

Jim Cunningham MP (Coventry South): "Like you, I am greatly concerned about this matter and I appreciate receiving your thoughts. I have written to Tony Blair with a copy of your letter. I'll contact you when I receive a response."

Dr John Marek MP (Wrexham): "I have written to Elliot Morley asking what he intends to do."

But to my horror I discovered last week that it is now far from certain that hunting on publicly-owned land will be banned after all.

Elliot Morley's pre-election letter to me said: "We are committed to an immediate suspension of licences to hunting with hounds on Forestry Commission and MoD land." This promise was unqualified.

But on June 24 Morley wrote: "Any decision will continue to be based on a proper review taking into account proper criteria in relation to the effective management of these estates and whether or not hunting with hounds is an effective method of fox and deer control."

Read that again - and read it slowly. It was written LAST WEEK by a LABOUR minister!

And who will conduct the reviews? The Government won't release the names of the officials carrying out the secret reviews.

How do we know the reviews aren't being conducted by hunters or hunt supporters?

Is there anyone left out there who still believes in Tony Blair and his wretched New Labour?



AN American wife, aged 19, who allegedly had sex with 5,000 policemen in and around Memphis, claimed that 90 minutes in a sauna turned her from a faithful housewife into a raving nymphomaniac.

WOMEN found guilty of adultery in medieval France were made to strip naked and chase a chicken through their home town.

A COUPLE recently divorced after the wife claimed that her husband insisted on stripping naked and playing the tambourine outside their home whenever she refused sex. He claimed that his wife charged him pounds 4 every time they had sex.

GERMANS drink an average of 131 litres of beer a year each (this includes babies, children and teetotallers).





"WHAT on earth has happened to the railways in this country?" asks Miss W.

"I love trains and travel by them whenever I can. But the train service in Britain seems to me to be worse than just about anywhere else in the world.

"When the trains actually run they are overcrowded, dirty and late. And the staff don't seem to care.

"I needed to catch a train recently for an important appointment. I could have gone by car but I find rail travel more relaxing.

"Unfortunately I've been abroad for a few months and had forgotten just how bad the train service is in Britain.

"I asked the ticket clerk if the train I was planning to catch was on time. He told me it wasn't. When I asked him how late it was he said he didn't know.

"What is worse is that he obviously didn't care.

"When I asked another employee if he knew, he said he didn't. Then he told me that I was stupid not to have caught an earlier train!

"What the hell is going on in this country? The public transport is terrible!

"None of this would matter too much to me if it was possible to get around the country by car. But the motorways always seem to be under repair and there are traffic jams everywhere.

"Doesn't anyone in authority in Britain care about transport any more?"

I'm afraid that no-one in authority in Britain cares about anything any more.

And a big part of the problem is undoubtedly that most members of the public don't care either.

If we had an Apathy Party it would have won the last election by a landslide.

If everyone who was unhappy with the rail service aired their complaints publicly then - just maybe - things would improve.

Here's a suggestion: next time you are faced with a rude or unhelpful railway employee take his/her name and the name and address of his/her boss. As soon as you get home sit down and write and complain about him/her to his boss.
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 1997 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Coleman, Vernon
Publication:The People (London, England)
Date:Jun 29, 1997
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