Statistically, six out of every seven dwarves are not happy.
IT'S the time of year to think of those less fortunate.
Usually I can't, but I've spent the last week pondering the plight of dwarves ousted from Wolverhampton's Snow White panto in favour of children.
It soured the festivities for me and underlined why, statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy. This is a serious own goal by The Grand Theatre. There are things dwarves can do that children cannot. Marry, for a start. And shave.
If dwarves can't get a job as, errr, dwarves, then what the hell can they get a job as? No wonder the Restricted Growth Association is furious. No wonder desperate dwarves are volunteering to be 'chucked' by rugby players. Sadly, gone are the days of Willow or The Singing Ringing Tree, a chilling East European fairytale with more diminutive actors - most painted silver - than your average England prop-forward could hurl.
This is discrimination in the raw and the public should ask themselves: * WHY James Bond has never been a dwarf.
* WHY there is not a single dwarf celebrity chef. Actually, scrub that - you wouldn't be able to see them above the hob.
* WHY there's been no dwarf telly detectives.
* WHY there's not a single dwarf in Downton Abbey.
* WHY there are no dwarves in the adult entertainment industry. Actually, scrub that - I've just googled. There are hundreds!
Not for the first time, I'm prepared to take-up the baton for a forgotten minority. Who can forget my 2007 crusade, when I demanded, 'Dyslexics of the world unite!'? I received 500 emails, the majority asking: "Untie what?" I'm calling on the little people of this country to rise-up, kick down doors - if you can't reach, give the occasional cat-flap a bit of welly, take to the streets and make yourselves heard.
Sadly, my day of action has met with a lukewarm response from dwarf support agencies. One asked: "We appreciate your input, but, Mr Lockley, what do you really know about dwarves?" I thought long and hard before responding: "Very little?"