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Soap watch; Ashley in moving speech to Bernice.

DON'T you just love a good old-fashioned soap wedding? So will we see one in Emmerdale soon, or will some fate befall Bernice or Ashley before the big day?

Well, he's not going about things the best way this week, informing his bride-to-be that the bishop reckons they'd be better off moving to Leeds.

I reckon they would, too. Imagine living out your life in Emmerdale? You just know that one of these days you're going to get hit by a low-flying aeroplane, or an out of control lorry, or end up going over a cliff at the hand of a mad murderer, or in a runaway car.

It's not a safe place to live, mark my words.

Anyway, Cain Dingle is the man behind the burglaries and Zak orders him to return Kathy's belongings - even though he has already sold some.

And Tricia has obviously had a bad pint in the Woolpack as she tells Bernice that she is considering starting a relationship with Marlon.

Still, Adam may be a looker but he is a pig, is he not ladies? And Marlon is a wee sweetie after all. If Kelly can snog that awful Roy, then Tricia can snog Marlon, can't she? Or are we deluding ugly blokes everywhere with this sort of thing?

Elsewhere, Mandy leaves Emmerdale to visit her dad, and Zoe has a change of heart about Lady Tara's business plans.

Over on Coronation Street, Spider and Toyah are about to fall out of love - so that he can head off out of the Street obviously.

Another couple about to fall out of love, methinks, are Mike and Linda - not that Mike knows that of course. But this week as Mark makes plans to head off travelling, Linda decides to make an announcement of her own. Oh dear.

Emma is the hero of the hour regarding the burglaries, but Curly gets all excited and macho and thinks her job puts her at danger. Oh give it up, neanderthal man. Get with it, Curly. This is the 21st century after all. Over in Blackpool the nonsense continues with Norris and Vera taking part in the ballroom dancing competition. It's riveting stuff.

In Hollyoaks, Darren is evicted after trashing his sister's flat. He's a nice boy that one. And Geri finally gets Adam into bed. The poor deluded girl actually thinks he's a good catch. Yeeuch. Or maybe I'm just too choosy.

I wouldn't mind Finn, though, who this week is cited in Tony's mum's divorce.

Channel 4's other soap, the brilliant Brookside, is, well, not so brilliant once again.

It's this Sinbad thing. And this week it just gets worse as Tim tries to help his mate by talking to the police. This only makes matters worse. Of course, Emily is none too happy with her lot either, now that everyone knows it was her and Tim who looked up the porn.

Susannah is happy, though, or pretending she is, as she accepts Mick's proposal - much to the amusement of Max.

Now I was watching Brookside from years back the other week on UK Living - and guess what? The storylines were the same.

Yep, there was a health scare at the pizza parlour when Terry (remember him) was in charge, just as there was when Mick and Sinbad had it, and Diana Corkhill (remember her) was an adult who couldn't read - just like Niamh Musgrove last year. Money for old rope, I tell you.

So, over in Family Affairs, Sara's dad finds out that she is a drug- taking lap dancer. Not great.

And there is another soap wedding in the offing - Siobhan and Pete. But this is not a marriage of love, oh no, no. Nothing is ever simple where Pete Callan is concerned.

And so to EastEnders, and, blimey, this is where the action is this week. Steve Owen is out to get rid of Dan once and for all, and wastes no time in scaring the orange-tan man half to death, with a gun. Yep, Mr Owen is one big bad, baddie, but don't you just love him? Well I know I do anyway.

And what about Gianni? No, I don't love him, too, it's just so exciting. He might go to jail for hitting Rod. And what will they all make of it in the di Marco household when Nicky decides she might drop the charges? Blimey, it's too much. I'm off for a lie down.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Brown, Merle
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Jul 8, 2000
Previous Article:Seven life terms for the nurse who raped and killed; He used memory-loss drug to attack women in hospital.
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