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Soap watch; Old potatohead on the warpath again.

Byline: Tim Randall

EastEnders

WHEN Lisa triumphantly fled Walford with baby Lou, for once you felt she had stopped being the victim and got one over on Mr Potatohead.

But this week Phil returns from Portugal with his daughter in yet another far fetched storyline.

The problem with EastEnders is that when it's on form, nothing can touch it. But when it's bad, it's painful. Take the Sharon/Tom stuff, for example.

Weren't you gagging for him to just die? Sam going out with Trevor? As if. And what is the point of Derek? Or bringing back Ricky `Man Breasts' Butcher come to that?

Anyway, Peggy is thrilled to see her granddaughter but isn't convinced by Phil's explanation Lisa was happy for Louise to return to England with him.

Later, Peggy gets more concerned when she spots Lisa's passport in her bag. So we are meant to believe Phil has killed Lisa.

Sonia doesn't believe Phil's story either and calls the police. When Phil finds out, he's furious. He tells Sonia if she doesn't keep her mouth shut, there'll be trouble. But soon the police come with news from Portugal and, yep, it looks like it's Phil wotdunnit.

Meanwhile, the poison pen letters continue. Will someone send one to Sharon and remind her to speak with an East End accent?

Laura is convinced the culprit is Janine and organises a meeting. But then Janine accuses Laura.

Okay, they are both mad as spoons but I think the letters are coming from someone with an attitude problem and a dad who stinks of chip fat.

AUDREY announces that she is going to see a specialist about her suspected Alzheimer's.

This sends Richard into a right old panic as he realises he will have to kill her as soon as possible before she finds out there is nowt wrong with her.

Personally speaking, I quite like the image of Audrey being strapped under one of her salon hairdryers and slowly burning to death - or, erm, maybe I just need to get out more.

In fact, a house fire is dastardly Dicky's choice of death.

He lurks in the shadows waiting for Audrey's bedroom light to go out, before quietly letting himself in. He sneaks into the kitchen, lights a gas ring, puts a tea towel over it and as the fire begins to spread, he tiptoes out again.

Mr Hillman is certainly an evil b*****d but, let's face it, Weatherfield would be a much duller place without him.

Elsewhere, Peter finds Lucy with another man and the Nelson family move into the Street.

WHAT is it about prat Tony that women find attractive?

He's a drip and, I'm sorry, but that floppy fringe has got to go.

Will somebody please give the man a haircut?

Well, he's in double trouble this week when he proposes to Izzy and then asks Julie to marry him too.

For some unknown reason both girls say yes, but then they find out about each other, turn on Tony and it ain't pretty.

CRATER-FACE Cain gets jealous of Dot Cotton lookalike Angie and her toyboy Syd.

He warns Syd that he should stay away from her and his tactics work. Syd, terrified of greasy- fringed Cain, dumps Angie. What he ever saw in her is anyone's guess. Maybe it was the uniform.

Also, Viv and Steph, the two cockney slags who, combined, make Kat Slater look like Emily Bishop, get bladdered.

But as they bond the cafe goes up in smoke.

Tim Randall

Coronation Street

Hollyoaks

Emmerdale
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:Daily Record (Glasgow, Scotland)
Date:Nov 9, 2002
Words:591
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