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Soap Box: Jailbait on the line; The week ahead by Tony Stewart: Plotlines revealed: Shame and anger over topless pictures of Emily in Brookside... Bedhopping and the weakest links in Emmerdale... It's a bad Good Friday for Sally and Toyah in the Street... And Phil starts to plot his revenge in Walford...

Byline: Tony Stewart

BROOKSIDE

With Mick Johnson's violent track record, including GBH and smothering a little old lady to death in her bed, he's the last person son Leo would expect to give him a lesson in policing. But he advocates Zero Tolerance when it comes to a Generation Game of bed-hopping between Cheryl the peril and teenager Adele. "She's 15 years old, still in school uniform," Mick rages. "Find that a turn on do yer? One minute it's a middle-aged slapper, the next thing it's a kid who's only just reached puberty!" For a man who mourned the death of fiancee Susannah with a one-night stand, Mick's got more nerve than a cat taking a ringside seat at Crufts. So booting Leo out is a triumph of personal hypocrisy. And you'd think he'd be proud that Leo's got his brains in the same place as him. His pants.

Jailbait also takes us inside prison when the sniggering inmates pass round a nudie mag featuring a topless blonde in a "pervo chatline advert". Emily. "I didn't know yer tart's knockers were that big," one con drools at Tim. "Surprised they haven't suffocated you by now." The glamour model arrives for a visit amid a chorus of wolf whistles. "I'm doing time in 'ere to save your neck, remember?" Tim snarls at Emily. "An' meanwhile you're turning into some slapper!"

On the outside, Robbie, Jacqui, Clint and Katie are having a smashing time at Bev's Bar. Like when they "clear the air" and psycho Robbie hurls over a table of drinks. With the Muppet boys now sworn enemies, Robbie pushes Jacqui to end her friendship with her bessie mate. Katie can only lament, "If I'da known me an' you going out with brothers woulda been this 'ard, I'da become a nun." Perhaps it's best not to go into her dirty habits here...

EMMERDALE

Even the acid tongue of that dominatrix host of The Weakest Link would be silenced if she was to walk into Quiz Night at the Woolpack. And if Anne Robinson was to demand they "dump the dunce and ditch the dimwit", there would be a mass exodus.

Puzzles and games are the themes in Tateville, and the stakes are high. In the first round, Angie risks being stripped of her sergeant's stripes, along with the rest of her clothes, as she continues to investigate Cain's criminal intentions. He may well be the only villain she's ever collared under the duvet, but now she's having trouble copping off. First she misses her duties as she hides in his room in fear of being discovered by Lisa and Jason. Then daughter Ollie almost walks in on her at home and, later, estranged husband Sean nearly stumbles over them.

Diane's sex life is as equally fraught as she wonders on which man's bedpost to hang her wig. Jack or Alan's? She finally pledges her love to Jack. Then the very next day tells Alan, "I want to commit to you. There's no one else." Well, not in the last five minutes anyway.

Hunky chef Carlos gets into a pickle when Bernice's step-sister Nicola dives for his Spanish flies as he tries to tell her that he fancies one woman in particular. "I think I've guessed," she purrs. "Don`t look so worried 'cos it's mutual... And I feel exactly the same about you!"

There are no consolation prizes in this game, just the Walk Of Shame. And for Sean that's as far as Kathy's front room and a bottle of wine. He'd better start running if she orders yet another black dress. It'll be his funeral.

CORONATION STREET

For a pub that's often heard Fred's booming voice call for a "scotch and threat", there was little need for landlord Duggie to take him quite so literally. There's an air of evil hanging over the Rovers and we're not talking about Betty's hotpots. And for Sally and Toyah it's where their lives come crashing down.

With her wedding to Danny just a week away you'd think that even a blonde dimbo like Sal would be counting her blessings. But she's fretting because Kevin has gone missing. It doesn't get much worse than him reappearing at her hen night in the Rovers. "And what about the night before my weddin', eh, Sal?" he gloats in front of the girls. "Still sure you don't fancy returnin' the favour?" Not even a belt in the face can stop him showing he has fewer brains than an Eccles cake. "You still love me, Sally. I know it. They know it... there's only darling Danny who doesn't. Not yet, anyway!" Uh-oh.

Toyah's fate is even more violent. Duggie and his seedy sidekick Peter turn the back room into a poker den with a bunch of bad boys, and Toyah is their reluctant serving wench. She survives their leers and taunts, and even drunken sailor Peter's threats when she catches him guzzling the profits. But she can't escape Duggie's wrath when Trading Standards uncover watered-down whisky. "I'm not gonna let you two stinkin' crooks talk to me like this," she snaps. "You can stuff your job... where the sun don't shine." Then when she finds herself alone in a dark alley later that night, there's a brutal reminder for her that there's nothing "Good" about this Friday the 13th.

EASTENDERS

So that "revelation" has been made, but Phil "sorting aht" his enemies has a long way to go yet. Hell hath no fury like a man who's had a bullet in his back and he hatches a plot to sort out the men from the girls and boys. The gun turns up, gets planted, and several people are lured into a trap... Steve, Dan, Ian, Mark and Lisa have every reason to fear for their health, particularly when another shot is fired and the Old Bill haul in two men. Talk about Mob-handed.

As exciting as this saga is, we shouldn't ignore the comic sideshow of bumbling Barry's buffoonery in the Vic. He now has a hare-brained scheme to recruit an accomplice. Wife Natalie. Meanwhile Peggy is considering more drastic measures to restore order to her pub. Sacking him. Just as unfortunate is Anthony who, when it comes to his love life, is a doctor in trouble. First Kat stands him up and then she does some dirty dancing at the E20 with another suitor. Beside himself with rage, the doc just doesn't know where to put his stethoscope. But Kat has one or two suggestions.

LOOKALIKE SOAP PALS

Our daughter looks like Kat

Kerry Morley is such a spitting image for Kat in EastEnders that her doctor's receptionist did a double-take when she walked through the door. "She was amazed," says dad Dave of Kirkby-In-Ashfield, Notts. "There was even the added bonus that the doctor looks like Kat's chap Anthony." So it's pounds 50 to them.

CAPTION(S):

EXPOSED: Nikki confronts sister Emily; IN SHREDS: Tim vents his anger in prison; LIP SERVICE: Nicola makes a dive for Carlos; SHOCKER: Kevin reveals his and Sally's secret tryst; Kat... or maybe not; Kerry... or is it Kat?
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Copyright 2001 Gale, Cengage Learning. All rights reserved.

Article Details
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Apr 7, 2001
Words:1189
Previous Article:HARRY'S HORROR; Hospital dash after he puts foot through glass door.
Next Article:The sporting week; Calvin Rowley picks the highlights on TV.


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