So meat isn't murder, it's simply suicide.
If meat is murder and war is hell, no wonder the fur was flying thick and fast last week as carnivores and steak-dodgers battled in the press for hearts, minds and tasty, tasty giblets.
'Hurrah - eating red meat is good for you after all!' trumpeted the Mail, laying into the "years of hollow warnings" from killjoys who think having kilos of undigested pig in your lower colon may not be good for you.
A day later the same paper struck back for the ba-con-phobes. 'So is red meat safe to eat - or isn't it?' it demanded, alongside an opinion from its own medical columnist, Dr Martin Scurr, headlined: 'At last, proof there is a cancer link'. So that's settled then.
Tuna is also a no-go. The Telegraph told its readership of retired colonels and blue-rinsers to 'Save the seas' by eating 'sardines instead of tuna', while weirdy - and quite possibly beardy - types donned fuzzy shark outfits to protest outside the HQ of tuna king Princes. Greenpeace teamed up with costume enthusiasts to bring attention to fishing methods they fear will leave the seas emptier than the most pit at a Cliff Richard gig.
Some are also said to be angry over the cramped working conditions facing many canned sardines.