Shelley Vision; We all know how it ends.. total disaster.
WEEK three and ITV's drama about RMS Titanic - imaginatively titled 'Titanic' - is sinking fast.
Three million viewers are believed to have gone missing between episodes one and two.
I bet still more were taken out last night by another expertly unpleasant killing spree from Silent Witness on BBC1.
It's hardly surprising. Rather than the spectacular epic ITV had envisaged, Titanic has been spectacularly awful - an pounds 11million mess.
Downton Abbey writer Julian Fellowes' first mistake was to put the big event that should have been the show's conclusion in the first episode - and the second, and the third.
As CGIs go, the iceberg wasn't even that convincing. More like a Fox's glacier mint.
Much of the dialogue has consisted of characters saying things like, "this is one ship that could never sink" and, "we don't need more lifeboats".
Oh, the irony! Half the Titanic's passengers were either prophets and psychics suddenly reluctant to sail, or simpletons ignoring their impending doom and telling their loved ones it was going to be all right.
"Why have the engines stopped?" one passenger awoke with a start.
IT'S AN ICEBERG!
"What's that noise?"
IT'S AN ICEBERG!
"It sounds like steam."
IT ISN'T! IT'S AN ICEBERG! Didn't you study history?! This week's big sub-plot was the whirlwind romance between Italian waiter Paolo and cabin maid Annie.
Even Paolo's opening chat-up line was heavily loaded with significance.
Rather than "where are you from?", he launched into a long soliloquy about how he was going to fulfil his hopes and dreams when they got to their destination and was wondering whether they could meet up in New York in the future.
"A couple together. Both ready to take a chance on a new life?
"What couldn't they achieve?" he mused.
Well, not much in this case. On their second meeting, he asked her to marry him, which even Annie thought was somewhat preposterous. "Couldn't we just get to know each other first - like normal people?"
Not in this series you couldn't! Time was of the essence.
Italians, Fellowes was telling us, were massively romantic and, just like all his characters, massive stereotypes.
Short of bursting into a chorus of 'Shaddapa Your Face' and knocking up some spaghetti with Dolmio sauce, Paolo couldn't have been more Italian (or less).
"You don't-a want-a to be-a short-handed-a," he insisted. "Not in-a first-a class-a."
It turns out that most of the passengers on the Titanic were conducting illicit relationships or had something to hide - or both, in some cases.
Another sub-plot followed "The Siege of Sidney Street" and involved a policeman telling none other than Sir Winston Churchill that the chief suspect was one "Peter Piatkov - yes, Peter Piatkov, 'Peter the Painter' - police killer".
He might as well have launched into Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers.
"I want him found," declared Churchill. But guess where he was? On the Titanic! What were the odds, eh?!
He too was embroiled in another instant, fatal, attraction. "I've never put myself in danger for something I believed," the wife of the ship's electrician sighed of Peter's crimes.
She was one of several passengers inexplicably overcome by the need to reflect on their lives - as if some terrible event was suddenly about to befall them.
"Perhaps you're in danger now," Peter replied. Hint, hint.
It ended with the scenes of the evacuation that we had seen in previous episodes, only without the back stories.
But it wasn't exactly Quentin Tarantino. The way it was pieced together wasn't exactly complicated. We didn't particularly care about them more than before.
By the way, I took the liberty of watching next week's finale - it sinks.
It's Brayed in Chelsea
MADE In Chelsea continues to both repel and fascinate.
Where else would you hear the sentence: "A friend of mine, Gabalicious, is having a boob party" - uttered by someone called PROUDLOCK?!
The show is a bonanza for aficionados of the "Transadlannic" accents practised by rock stars such as Sting.
Caggie got the ball rolling with: "Any excuse for a pardy!" Proudlock followed up with "are you excided?" Then human anteater Hugo topped the whole lot of them.
"When you're pard of the pardy, you just don't want the pardy to stop," he drawled.
Helpfully, Made In Chelsea always mentions the names of the bars and shops the characters frequent - to make sure we can steer clear of them.
Nothing to say on Voice
THIS week on The Voice: Jessie J - still staring at her button as if she expects to press it using her psychic powers.
Tom Jones - still adding to his collection of big birds with big voices.
Will.i.am - still finding himself hilarious/adorable.
Other Bloke (real name Jessie's lapdog) - still struggling with the JPosh concept of the show and asking Jessie: "Shall I press?", concluding afterwards: "I should've pressed."
MISSING! If anyone sees Holly Willoughby, please call the BBC. She's meant to be, like, working on this show.
TV is edukashiunal
1. When floods come, red ants survive by clinging together to form a living raft (Touch)
2. Two thirds of Americans don't have passports (Morgan Spurlock's New Britannia)
3. Damien Hirst only did around 20 of his 1,400 dot paintings himself (The First Look)
4. Catherine Zeta Jones delivered her first child to Tom Jones' song What's New Pussycat? (The Voice)
5. The name 'Wendy' had never been used before JM Barrie wrote Peter Pan (Just a Minute)
Insult of the week
"This is for your ample ears only" - Roger to Peggy (Mad Men)
Good point of the week
"Crimewatch is basically the police saying 'we can't do this. Can you help us out?'" - Sarah Millican (The Sarah Millican Television Show)
Philosophy of the week
"I can't be too flexible. Because otherwise I'll break" - Asperger's sufferer Richard on trying to find his second date in 20 years (The Undateables)
Pessimist of the week
"I've got 17 minutes to go 22 blocks!" - Kiefer Sutherland (Touch). Come on, that's nothing. You used to cross Los Angeles in 10 minutes in 24
"There's been a big outbreak of salmonella."
"What?! We didn't even order fish!"- Janeece as Craig cancels their wedding reception (Waterloo Road)
Intro of the week
"This programme contains very strong language, some very strong violence, scenes of a sexual nature, and flashing images from the outset" - Sky Atlantic continuity (Game Of Thrones). Thanks for the warning. Not to miss the beginning!
American soccer fan of the week
Manny: "How was the football?" Jay: "One of the games was a draw. One of the goals was an accident" (Modern Family)
Diagnosis of the week
"He's got rhinotillexomania - which is a compulsive addiction to nose-picking" - Dr James Wilson (House)
Good point of the week
"A bike is actually a pedestrian with wheels" - The London Olympics 'Head of Infrastructure' on cycle lanes (Twenty Twelve)
Compliment of the week
"You look bang tidy" - Keith Lemon to Our Cilla (Keith Lemon's LemonAid)
Ask a stupid question
CIA agent Carrie Mathison: "When the surveillance on Brody was shut down, I contacted him personally." CIA boss Saul Berenson: "How personally?" - VERY personally (Homeland)
"Damien Hirst is Oscar Wilde in so many ways. But his is the importance of NOT being earnest" - Bono (The First Look) And yet... no!
A bit rich?
"Modern books are full of fornication and violence. There's enough of that in the world as it is" - Dot Branning on Albert Square's book club (EastEnders). Not to mention certain soap operas...
Nicholas Parsons (Just a Minute)
Mr Zip (Britain's Got Talent)
No seriously. Where ARE mi keys? Where IS mi phone?
Brick (The Middle)
Best child actor on television ("tele-vis-ion")
COMEBACK OF THE WEEK
JEROME Flynn has had an lynn h JEROME Flynn has had an unusual career path - from Robson & Jerome to the new series of ultra-violent American hit Game Of Thrones. Bring back Badger!
Pudsey (Britain's Got Talent)
Dancing bears are bad but dancing dogs are fine?
Morgan Spurlock (New Britannia)
Just not that charming
Chris Moyles (The Love Machine)
Just not that popular
"Sanatana Jiva - that which is eternal, never-ending and never beginning" - The Artist Formerly Known As Caggie explains her Sanskrit tattoo (Made In Chelsea)
..AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL!
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PLANS SUNK Annie and Paolo discover their romance is short-lived STARES Jessie J - ACCENT Posh Hugo