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Sex is not just about technique ..it is also about caring and loving; EXCLUSIVE: KIM CATTRALL'S SECRETS, DAY 2.

Byline: Adapted by Jane Ridley

I BELIEVE that the key to a successful relationship is a man's ability to bring his partner to climax.

But it's not easy. The female orgasm is an elusive phenomenon and the harsh truth is that only a quarter of women have one every time they have sex.

Worse still, at some stage during their lives, 43 per cent of women will suffer from some kind of sexual difficulty - whether they have a low libido, can't climax or, in some extreme cases, are unable to have intercourse altogether.

It is a real tragedy because orgasm is frequently described as the ultimate release, liberating both the mind and body and bringing couples closer together. A satisfying sexual connection is an essential element of our physical and psychological health.

Today, in the second part of my series, I'll examine the importance of the female orgasm in the context of communication and trust.

And we'll discover how a combination of all three can nurture an understanding between a man and woman which transcends sexuality.

Unlocking the female orgasm

MY guide is not really about sex. It is about love. Loving means caring, and what is more caring than wanting our lover or mate to experience the fullest expression of his or her sexuality?

Many women will privately admit that their lovers do not know how to satisfy them fully. There are men who know how to bring a woman to orgasm, even repeatedly, but they are a small minority.

But technique alone will not make a person a better lover. Each man and woman has specific preferences and needs, and each must develop great sensitivity and awareness for the other to reap the full benefits.

So, when you try some of the things I suggest, remember your true purpose is not to simply fulfil a physical act.

It is to enable your love to feel things more deeply, to let him or her experience release beyond expectations, and ultimately to bring you close psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

When a man fully satisfies a woman, he frees her from harbouring negative feelings such as frustration, disappointment and anger. Men should consider what it would be like to make love without ever achieving climax.

That thought alone should be inspiration in their quest to give a woman the utmost pleasure.

Learning to communicate

FOR some men and women, it is not easy to try new ways of making love. They worry what their partner will think, whether they will be able to do it right and how to express

themselves. Too often, they just push the issue under the carpet.

A woman will often shy away from saying that she's frustrated because she is afraid of hurting a man's ego and being punished for it. The only hope for the relationship is to be honest, in a gentle but direct manner.

Most men appreciate straight talk and respond best to this approach.

If you are sexually frustrated, say something. If you don't, your anger will fester and create more problems. But make it safe for him by being gentle. For example: 'I really love you and I'd like to enjoy making love with you more. Can we try a few things?'

Most men will say: 'OK, what did you have in mind?"

Virtually all women appreciate a man who wants to be the best lover he can be. Keep the dialogue honest and open and working two ways.

For instance, a woman can say: "I think that, by trying new things, this will help me be a better lover for you." A man could say: "I'd like to please you more but I may not be good at it, so I may need your help to find the best ways of giving you more pleasure. Please let me know exactly what you like and don't like. It won't turn me off if you talk to me.

"I'd really like your help."

Being specific is fine. For example, during oral sex, he may want to try doing circles with his tongue on her clitoral area.

He can ask her: "I'm going to try clockwise first, then anti-clockwise. Tell me which you like better." She will most likely prefer one way better, so why not find out which?

The woman can help the man by realising that he is trying to enhance her experience as well as his own. Speaking in a warm rather than a critical way is very important. "No, no, too hard!" can become: "Softer, darling, softer. That's it."

A feather-light touch GENTLY caressing a woman's breasts and nipples can be extremely stimulating and can bring her to new heights.

The man should try rolling her nipples between his first and second fingers. Massaging her breasts upward lightly but with quiet strength can be stimulating, depending on the woman's desires.

Lightly touching her nipples while his tongue excites her clitoral area can be a great sensation for her.

Men, use your fingers to caress her face and mouth when you go down on her. She may want to suck on your fingers, especially when the fingers of your other hand are inside her body.

Meanwhile, pulling her buttocks apart slightly when you go down on her opens her up more and helps prepare for vaginal entry.

The man simply has to see what works for his partner. Every action should be accompanied by the thought: "Does this work?" She will answer, with words or with body language: "Yes", "No", "Maybe if you do it softer (or harder)" and so on.

Moisture check

A MAN should play close attention to the woman's wetness. It may seem fine to him, but it never hurts to ask if she would prefer if he used some lubrication, such as KY jelly. Just a little can make the difference between ecstasy and pain.

Each woman has her own individual sensitivity to being touched in different ways. A man needs to find out what works and what doesn't. A woman should feel free to speak up and ask for whatever she wants.

The horizontal samba

SO much has been written about full, penetrative intercourse, but each woman has her own preferences, which may change over time or from movement to movement.

A man tends to think in a linear way - in and out. A woman tends to experience in a circular way - around and around. The straightforward approach tends to be more effective when coupled with motions that reflect an arc or a circle. Here are three of my favourite penetrative positions which put this into practice:

Woman on top

THIS position leads to almost immediate orgasm. The caveat is that the man does very little work, so is likely to have energy left over (provided he doesn't orgasm) while she is more than satisfied.

The woman should straddle the man, rocking back and forward and supporting herself with her arms, hands on the mattress.

She is almost totally in control

here, but he can intensify her experience by lightly stroking her thigh and putting his hands on her buttocks to support her forward motion.

Rear entry with him not moving

HE kneels on the bed, she is on all fours and kneeling. He remains still and she moves the way she wants: side to side, up and down, in and out, whatever she likes.

Some women are afraid of being hurt by rear entry, but this scenario leaves her completely in control.

Staying in and moving

HE stays fully in and holds her buttocks, one in each hand. Moving his hips and her buttocks, he makes the tip of his penis follow an arc that goes either side to side or up and down. It's best to do some of each.

All the while, he tries to keep pubic pressure on her clitoral area so she feels an arching motion.

Lots of variations can be tried, but the close body contact creates a lot of heat and lubrication, so when in-out motion is started it's very exciting.

Spick and span

MOST women prefer a man who is clean and freshly shaven. I certainly do. Scratchy doesn't work for me. I need my man clean, smooth and fresh.

Some men, especially those with strong body odour, should bathe or shower just before making love. Many women are far more sensitive to odour than they will admit, and may turn off to the way a man smells. Diet can affect body odour, and so can certain pharmaceutical products.

Shaving is much more important than men usually think. Guys, imagine stroking your face with sandpaper. This is what it can be like for women to make love to you when you need a shave.

Encourage!

EVERYONE needs and likes encouragement. This must not be at the expense of truth - lying to make someone feel good ultimately sabotages the relationship. But a few words of encouragement each time you make love are a wonderful thing.

And finally..

SEX is best when people are in touch with each other on as many levels as possible. It happens when a person lets himself or herself go. We can have great sex with someone we don't know or terrible sex with someone we love.

The question is how to combine all the influential elements to give and receive sexual satisfaction. The answer starts with the desire to find that satisfaction. Just by reading this guide, you are making a step in the right direction. Enjoy!

mirrorfeatures

@mgn.co.uk

Adapted by Jane Ridley. Extracted from Satisfaction (Thorsons, pounds 9.99). 2002 Kim Cattrall and Mark Levinson. To order a copy at the special price of pounds 8.99 (p&p free), call 0870 9002050, quoting reference 711M.

CAPTION(S):

SHARING GAME: You are in this for both of you; Picture: CAMERA PRESS; GUIDE: Sex And The City star Kim; Picture: Corbis
COPYRIGHT 2003 MGN LTD
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Apr 23, 2003
Words:1650
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